My Journey Part 1

I am a 50 something, divorced father of two, straight passing, closeted bisexual, cis gender male. I was born in the 60’s and grew up in the Midwest during the 70’s and 80’s. Both of my parents graduated from the same religious teacher’s college, run by a major Christian denomination. They both taught elementary school within that churches educational system, and my father became a principal. I wouldn’t call them strict, but they did shelter my brother and me a great deal from the world.

In the early 70’s, homosexuality was starting to be discussed openly. Because of this I was taught by my parents and the church that not only was masturbation bad, but homosexuality was a sin abhorred by God and punishable by death. Additionally, marriage was only meant for one man and one woman, period.  I remember my parents telling me I was not allowed to watch “Three’s Company” because it wasn’t appropriate. I couldn’t understand why. After all, I knew what homosexuality was and besides, Jack was only pretending to be gay so they all could be room mates. There was nothing sexual at all about it. I suppose they wanted to keep us from thinking that homosexuality was normal and expectable. They weren’t home when it was on and there were only four channels to watch, so we watched it anyway.

When I was in Jr. High I would say I had been progressing normally in my sexual development. I had discovered girls and knew I wanted to be close to them. I fantasized about them while I masturbated. I became excited when looking at the magazines under my parent’s mattress, and their copy of “The Joy of Sex” in my mother’s underwear drawer. For all intents and purposes I was developing into a normal heterosexual male.

When I finished 8^th grade, we moved to a bigger city so my younger brother and I could attend a Christian High School. That summer was when my hormones kicked into overdrive. I became aroused if even the slightest breeze brushed passed my zipper. It seemed like I was horny all the time. Once school started and I met all of the girls in my freshman class my brain nearly exploded from hormones and I spent lots of time each afternoon and evening in the upstairs bathroom.

After a few months my brother and I started meeting other kids on our block. I became close friends with a boy a year younger than me one block over. My brother and I spent a lot of time with him since we were the only boys our age around. If we weren’t at my house, we were at his. His older brother had a weight set in the basement so he and I started lifting weights and running together.

Often times my friend would lift weights without his shirt on and upon viewing his naked chest, I would have to hide the fact that I was visibly excited. I was certain he would know because it felt like I had a telephone pole in my underwear. At the time, however, I figured it was just because of the hormones raging through my system. I mean, after all, I got way more excited thinking about girls so I knew I wasn’t gay, right?

That following summer we were at a friend’s pool and he asked me if I would rub suntan lotion on his back. As soon my hands touched his muscular back I was instantly excited again, and there was no way to conceal my throbbing erection in my small tight Speedo. Again, I told myself it was just because I was touching someone else’s skin and it wasn’t because I was attracted to males. I was somewhat troubled by it, but I eventually told myself that all boys must feel the way I did and there wasn’t anything wrong with me and I was still ok because I liked females, so I wasn’t gay, right? Besides he had a girlfriend and they were already having sex together, so what did it matter?

A week later, he came to my house to spend the night with my brother and me. We didn’t have A/C so we always slept with our windows open. My brother blew up an air mattress to sleep on the floor of my room, and my friend and I stripped down to our tightie whities with no t-shirts on, then crawled into my single bed with only a sheet covering us. The three of us talked and joked while my friend and I were all but spooning each other, he behind me. We weren’t touching but I could feel his body heat on my skin. At one point he said, ‘Come on man, lets be gay tonight, its only for one night,” and started giggling. Then he put his hand on my butt cheek and left it there.

Needless to say, I instantly became rock hard and began to throb so much that I thought I was going to explode. I was more excited than I had ever been before. It was immediately apparent to me my excitement was solely caused by my friend’s hand on my rear end and it felt wonderful!  It was also obvious to me; this was the type of erection that was meant for something special. It wasn’t the same as when I was fantasizing in the upstairs bathroom.  At that exact moment there was nothing more I wanted to do than kiss him hard while we had sex.

The whole thing seemed to last a lifetime, but in a split second I slapped his hand. He started giggling again and said, “Oh come on man it’s just for one night.” and he put his hand back on my butt cheek and it seemed like he had no intentions of moving it. Again I slapped his hand. Still giggling he put it back on my rear and I had to slap him a third time before he finally stopped.

Regardless of how I felt at the moment, I had the distinct feeling he was teasing me to see what I would do, then make fun of me if I excepted his advances. Looking back on it, however, that may not have actually been the case at all. Additionally, my 12-year-old brother, who was a big tattle tail, was laying awake on an air mattress two feet away from us. There was no way I was going to do anything in front of him for fear my parents found find out because he would have told them, I am certain of it.

I was very conflicted about the whole thing for the next several days. Eventually, I told myself even though I couldn’t understand what was happening, I knew I wasn’t gay and that was all that mattered, right? Given the messages I had gotten, both from my parents and the Church about homosexuality, there was no way in hell I was going to talk to my parents about what had happened and how conflicted I was about it. That wouldn’t have been a pleasant conversation for me at all. Even though they loved me, I am certain I would have been made to feel very ashamed about the whole thing because God didn’t approve of that type of behavior.

I never had many dates in High School due to my triple digit negative self image from having an alcoholic father and being picked on during Elementary and Middle school because I was taller than all the other kids and my dad was the principal. The bullies knew I wouldn’t fight back, so in their small minds, all they had to do to look cool was to beat me up, because they were half my size.

Eventually my hormones calmed down some. In order to cope with my uncomfortable feelings, I just didn’t pay any attention to them when I got tingly around males I found attractive. I had already learned from my mother how to live in denial regarding my father’s drinking so it came easy to me. From that point on, I lived my life as a straight male. After all there were only two choices in the early 80’s, straight or gay, right?

When I got to be college aged weird things started happening to me. Along with the attention I was getting from young women, gay men started to hit on me frequently, but I tried to hide that from myself too. It was less painful if I wasn’t always conflicted. Besides, if I dwelled on it I might find out I was gay. The odd thing was that I never seemed to notice when females were ogling me.

In my late teens and early twenties, I was often told by many people how good looking I was, but I never believed them. At the time I was six foot four and thin with thick blond hair, deep blue eyes and a short beard. I was very particular about my looks and was always certain to be dressed in the latest fashion, neatly pressed and very well groomed. My mother was usually the one that would call my attention to all the looks I was getting. When the looks came from men she would say with a frown on her face, and great disgust in her voice, “Did you see how that gay guy was looking at you?” I never looked people in the eyes, because of my self image issues, so I usually didn’t catch anyone ogling me, regardless of gender. It was just easier that way.

One day, however, I did catch two gay men ogling me at the restaurant where I worked and it made me feel very dirty. When I got home and told my parents, a friend of my father’s who was visiting said, “Its because you wear those tight assed pants.” After several days of conflicting feelings about being ogled sexually. I told myself I shouldn’t be upset about it. After all, there really isn’t a way for men to tell without asking if another man is gay, right? Besides, how many people can attract both women and men? I should actually take it as a complement. Well at least that’s what I told myself to deal with the conflict inside my head anyway.  Looking back, it must have been a pheromone thing? I don’t know the science behind it all. However, it does stand to reason, if you are born with an attraction to both sexes your body would and should respond in kind. God knows I wasn’t purposefully or consciously doing anything to attract men.

I wanted very badly to date women because I wanted to be married, but when I actually did pluck up the courage to ask a young woman out I was always turned down. I am certain my lack of confidence was a major contributing factor for why I was always being turned down and because of that, I didn’t ask very often.

During the same time frame I became good friends with a gay man, who I worked with. He was 8 years older than me. We became very close and I considered him to be my best friend. I used to tell people we were exactly alike except for our sexual preferences. He was in a relationship with a much older man who owned an antiques business who seemed never to be around. We greatly enjoyed each other’s company and began to spend lots of time together over the next few years. I thought we were nothing more than really good friends who could tell each other anything. We were both six foot four and he was very good looking. At the time I didn’t realize how very attracted I was to him. Denial is wonderful isn’t it?

I often confided in him about wanting to be married and my difficulty finding a young lady willing to date me. He would always reassure me and let me know how handsome he thought I was. He kept telling me if I was patient enough I would eventually find the perfect woman for me. After each visit we always hugged each other. It wasn’t long before I realized each time we hugged I felt his lips on my neck but I never said anything about it because I didn’t want him to stop doing it.

Eventually, I got the courage to tell him I thought I was gay. He laughed really hard and assured me I was no more gay, than he was straight. I explained all of the reasons why I knew for certain I was. I tried really hard to convince him that I was indeed gay. In the end, he was able to talk me out of it and told me I was as straight as they came. Why didn’t I force the issue and tell him I was deeply attracted to him, I will never know? That summer we went on vacation together. I drove and he stayed with me until I dropped him off at his parent’s house, then I headed on for a visit with my parents and grandparents at their cottage north of the city. I left two days earlier than my parents so my friend and I could spend some time together in the city before we headed back home. Everything was wonderful and I felt blessed to finally have such a great friend.

The following January, I met the woman of my dreams, and we married in June. My friend was proud and overjoyed when I asked him to be a groomsman in my wedding. Shorty after the wedding we lost touch. My wife and I decided it must have been because he had a crush on me and now that I was married, all hope was lost. My wife and I went on to have two children. In the early stages of our marriage we both used to joke about my “Inner Gay Male” because I was so outgoing, artistic and musical. I even decorated our whole house from the bottom up because she said I was so much better at it than her. Time marched on and by the time our youngest was born our marriage was in shambles. After six years of marriage we divorced shortly after my youngest turned one.

Even after our divorce my ex continued to verbally abuse me. Because of this, I decided there was no way I was going to date anyone else because once she found out who it was, she would make their life a living hell in order that they would leave me. I even changed churches because I didn’t want to see my ex anymore than was necessary.

I used that time to work on myself. I got myself a therapist, I joined a support group and over the next six years I dug myself out of the emotional cesspool my self-esteem had become. I finally found myself ready to date again but wasn’t really looking too hard because I was still having to deal with my ex on a weekly basis.

It is important to note, in addition to being attracted to women, I never stopped being attracted to men. I was, however, still in deep denial about it. Partly because of my religious upbringing and partly because bisexuality was only starting to be discussed in public. In the early 90’s the big thing was being bi-curious. Every now and again I would have a fleeting thought about it but it never lasted more than a second or two because I didn’t really want to know.

Unfortunately for my children, my ex-wife died from Breast Cancer when they were seven and ten. It was a hard time for all of us, but with God’s help we got through it. My denomination is divided into a conservative side and a very liberal side. I was raised in, and my wife and I had attended a congregation on the conservative side. When I left that church to separate myself from her, I ended up at a congregation which aligned itself with the liberal side of my denomination. It was a very large church with a huge pipe organ and a 64-member choir I could sing with. My children and I were happy there for many years.

That is until it became very evident the governing body of the liberal side of the denomination was going to use its largest congregation in the state as an example of its newly adopted policy for allowing people of either sex, in an openly homosexual relationship, to be ordained.

I was raised to believe that homosexuality was a sin, and the worst kind of sin was an unrepentant one. I was also taught to love everyone regardless of their sins, and that God was the only one allowed to hold judgment over anyone. However, the Bible is very clear regarding unrepentant sin. I couldn’t understand how the church could think it was ok in God’s eyes to allow an unrepentant sinner, of any kind, in the pulpit. So my children and I left the church and became members of a congregation on the conservative side again.

This whole issue troubled me greatly. I was conflicted so much that I was constantly discussing it with anyone who would listen. Many of the men I graduated from High School with are now pastors of their own congregations. I spent months emailing back and forth with them trying to sort out what side of this issue God wanted me on. What I didn’t realize was I was conflicted because deep down in the very depths of my subconscious I knew I had homosexual tendencies. The same ones I had been pushing out of my brain, which had been keeping me in denial since I was a teen.

Right after my 48^th birthday, during the Lenten season before Easter, I was surfing Face Book during my lunch hour. I found an article reporting on a study about people who have A.D.D. and are also left handed or ambidextrous. Since I have A.D.D. and am ambidextrous I decided to read it. The article went on to report the study’s findings. I became more and more interested as I read. Each discovery they made about people with A.D.D. was also true for me. In each case people with A.D.D. have a higher than average chance of being left handed or ambidextrous, of having Asthma, and of having difficulty with spatial relationships, all of which I have or suffer from. Then the report stated people with A.D.D. are 68% more likely to be homosexual or bisexual than people with out it. I nearly dropped my phone!

A light bulb lit up in my brain. It was as if someone had yelled Eureka! Then a wave of embarrassment washed over me. How in the world could I have been bisexual my entire life and not figured it out until I was 48 years old? I can’t be that stupid can I? I knew in my heart of hearts it was true. It was like all of the pieces of my life had just fallen into place at the same time. I began experiencing a flood of emotions, some were good and some bad, but the over all feeling I had was I was no longer conflicted and that feeling brought me peace.

That peace didn’t last long, however. Now I was dealing with great shame because I knew God was abhorred by me and my homosexual tendencies, the Bible even said so. I didn’t get much sleep the next two nights. The following Wednesday, I went to my church’s Ash Wednesday service in the evening. I walked into the church filled with self loathing and feeling wretched, broken, dirty, unforgivable, scared, but most of all completely and totally separated from God.  I have never felt more alone in my life.

I don’t know what the pastor said that night because I was in the pew praying for God to take the bisexuality from me. I hadn’t asked to be bisexual, and I certainly didn’t want to be if it kept me separated from God! I sat silently, tears streaming down my cheeks, praying, no begging, God for help. PLEASE LORD, take this sinfulness from me! When it was time for communion I shuffled up to the railing at the altar. I must have been in shock at this point because I don’t remember any of it. For those of you that don’t know, Christians celebrate communion to be united with each other and reminded we are sanctified by Christ’s body and blood which washes us clean from sin because, He died on the cross for us.  

When I got back to my seat I had the urge to run full speed, down the aisle and out the door, never to return. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore, and I didn’t want to be where I wasn’t loved. However, God took over in that moment and my entire body was awash with a feeling of complete acceptance, peacefulness, and total calm. God made me understand He still loved me no matter what and the gift of His forgiveness was still mine. He didn’t see my sin; He only saw me. I nearly broke down in tears and fell on the floor with relief. My entire body was spent. I felt like I had run a marathon. I was week in my knees and drained of all my energy.

In the days and weeks to come my internal struggles continued. I showed my psychiatrist the study because he teaches at the local University and I value his opinion. He checked the study and verified it was conducted by reputable people and the medical journal which published the study is known for double checking things before they publish them.  He also told me from what he read the science behind the study seemed very sound. After sharing the same stories with him I have shared with you he said it sounded to him like I was bisexual, and made note of it in his records. He told me I shouldn’t beat myself up about not finding out until I was 48 because it had been caused by my upbringing in a time when such things weren’t discussed, and living in the Midwest hadn’t helped either. This made me feel good, but to be honest it wouldn’t have mattered what he said, I still felt completely and totally bisexual.

At my next counseling session, I told my long time therapist she needed to make certain she was sitting down, and I told her. She was a bit more cautious about it than my doctor. She suggested I not to tell anyone and live with the idea for a while, then see how I felt after some time had passed. I agreed, but deep down I knew I could wait a hundred years and I am still going to be bisexual.

At the age of 51, I had lived with the idea of being bisexual for a little over three years, I felt more bisexual than the day I discovered my bisexuality. Currently I have more good bi days than bad ones. Over all I feel as though I have really come to terms with, and finally own my own bisexuality. This great step forward has put me in yet another predicament. Now I feel I am living an unauthentic life, more to the point I am living a lie because I currently choose to keep my bisexuality deep in the closet. Even knowing my bisexuality is only one tiny part of the sum of who I am, I am not able to shake the feelings which have risen out of my growth. I now yearn to be free of the closet doors holding my secret in. A secret most in modern society would say is a bad thing, but I no longer care! 

I know my parents will love me no matter what, however, because of their beliefs they will take my coming out very hard. It will be viewed as a bad thing and they will pray to God, as I did to take my gay away. Sadly, I doubt they will ever truly except my bisexuality. This makes me want to come out even more so I can prove to them I was born this way, a child of God, regardless of what they currently believe about what makes someone homosexual. I also worry about my young adult children’s emotional stability if I were come out and that’s a long story, for another time. You just need to trust my concerns are valid. I plan on making an appointment with my counselor to discuss these issues.

I want to come out and I will, but when and to whom remains to be seen. I am still struggling with my church’s view on homosexual behavior, and what that means for my future. Straight women haven’t exactly been breaking my door down in the first place and I am concerned the the type of women willing to date and/or have a relationship me will change if I do come out.  If that happens will I be left to date and have relationships only with men, and if so how do I reconcile that with my own conscious and conservative religious beliefs?

To follow up, I never stopped looking for my best friend after he removed himself from my life. One day he was there and the next he was gone. He has a very common name and there were 27 listings in the phone book at the time. After calling several numbers I finally gave up. Eventually, the world moved passed the 90’s and phone books became dinosaurs. They made way for the internet, Google, and Face Book.  Every so often I would search for my friend with no luck.

Shortly before I realized my own sexuality, my worst fears about my friend came true. A Google search found his obituary. My heart sank. Whenever I had asked him about being tested for HIV and AIDS he would say he didn’t want to know if he had it because he would live in constant fear of getting sick. He said when he was younger he had not been as careful as he should and he was too scared to find out.

It was only because he had been a prominent activist for gay rights and a comedian that made him famous enough for me to find his online obituary.  As I read, I also found out he had moved to another state for a better job. I still don’t understand how he could have left without saying goodbye, and that really hurt me badly. The obituary went on to say he had died on an airplane. It implied he was very ill and had died of AIDS during a flight to get him to another hospital but they never actually came right out and said it. To this day he is the only true friend I have ever had.

Finally, I have always believed that God is in complete control of my life, even in the bad times. I have come to realize no matter how bad things get, I am exactly where God wants me to be. Even if it stinks and I don’t understand why. There have been so many times, in hind sight, I am able to see His guiding hand working in my life for my benefit. The things I thought I wanted, had they come true, would have been far worse than what God intended for me, but I couldn’t see it till I was on the other side of things.

Had things been different, and my friend agreed with me when I tried to convince him I was gay, I would have believed myself to be gay. I would have slept with him right then and there next to the pool. We would have likely had an affair, and maybe even become a couple.  I would also, however, likely have HIV and AIDS by now, or maybe already be dead. I would have never gotten married, and I would have never known the joy of being a father and have been blessed by the children my wife and I brought into this world. *

You might ask yourself, what does my future hold? Will I stay closeted and continue to live my straight passing life dating women, as I have since my divorce, or will I live out and proud and have a relationship with a man? For now, I will continue counseling and with their help and that of my pastor, I will figure it out as I go along. At this point the only certainty is in my life is, “God is in charge!”

*This was written prior to the United States passing Same Sex Marriage laws.