Today I found the above article discussing Whitney Houston’s struggle with her bisexuality and childhood sexual abuse. As this article stated there are 42 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse in the United States. It also stated that LGBTQ children are sexually abused on average, every minute of every day. It goes on to say this abuse is not what caused these children to become LGBTQ because if it did there would be far more LGBTQ people in the US than there are.
My family has seen first hand the devastation childhood sexual abuse can cause, and how secrecy is used to control the victim from a very young age. The article only touched on the fact that entire families work at making certain their secret is protected, but didn’t discuss why these families gather around the perpetrator in an effort to protect them.
In my research I discovered this sickness is deeply engrained in families over time, as the Bible says, “The sins of the father are visited on the son, and the son’s son.” To be certain as the above article states these crimes are not only committed by men, but women as well. One only needs to watch the news to see many stories of female teachers being charged with sexual abuse of their students.
The reason the abuse is able to thrive over generations can be seen in two factors. One the abuse often beings at a very young age when the victim isn’t able to understand that it is not normal and their impressionable minds are easily manipulated with fear. They are also groomed to believe that this behavior is normal and that the love they receive from their abuser is dependent on their willingness to continue the abuse and their ability to keep it secret.
In my research I discovered this sickness is deeply engrained in families over time, as the Bible says, “The sins of the father are visited on the son, and the son’s son.” To be certain as the above article states these crimes are not only committed by men, but women as well. One only needs to watch the news to see many stories of female teachers being charged with sexual abuse of their students.
The reason the abuse is able to thrive over generations can be seen in two factors. One the abuse often beings at a very young age when the victim isn’t able to understand that it is not normal and their impressionable minds are easily manipulated with fear. They are also groomed to believe that this behavior is normal and that the love they receive from their abuser is dependent on their willingness to continue the abuse and their ability to keep it secret.
Secondly, the abuser, who more often than not was abused themselves as a child, is able to pick a spouse who can be easily manipulated with fear and intimidation to look the other way when it comes to the abuse. Not unlike jungle predators who are able to determine weakness and fear in their prey. In most cases the spouses they choose has likely been a victim of abuse themselves and has been pre-groomed to keep silent. This all works because these very young victims are lead to believe this is normal behavior.
These families are so adept at hiding their terrible secrets from the world that any red flags which would normally cause an outsider pause are camouflaged so well the dysfunction of it all doesn’t become evident until long after the victim is in a long term relationship. Often times it doesn’t come to light until another generation of victims has been created.
The dysfunction and pain from this violence radiates from the family like the ripples on a pond when a pebble is tossed in the middle of it. The effects can shudder through families for generations when the abuse is kept secret. What many victims are prevented from understanding is that the power is in the secret itself. If they can find the strength to tell the secret the power melts away.
I completely understand what I am asking of the victims and their family members to do in breaking the silence is like asking them to move a mountain five miles. Especially if the abuse is long term. Therefore, it is up to those who marry into these families and see the abuse to break the silence. It isn’t easy but it can be done.
I have witnessed this first hand. Calling out the abuse and the abuser and setting boundaries that prevent the abuse from extending to yet another generation is the only way to stop it in its tracks. It takes a great deal of courage because you will be met with years of practiced tactics to prevent the secret from getting out but you must prevail.
If you were a victim yourself or if you are still being abused, you must keep telling people until you find someone who believes you. Its not your fault, you aren’t a bad person your abuser is.
Thank you for this. There is something similar in my family going back generations. What did you find in your research that confirmed the commonality of this pattern in families? Even though I've told the secret within and without my family of origin, and even though I've stopped the cycle, it's still deeply validating to read your words.
ReplyDeleteI know the impact of this on your life was monumental. I am so happy you have been able to not only talk about it, but break the cycle in your family. It sounds as though you have experienced some healing around this part of your life, even though it will always be part of you, it doesn't define you.
DeleteAs I said in the article, the big factor that makes this run through generation upon generation is that it often starts with a child who is very young. When you are raised to believe it is your normal and that is just how life is, you become brainwashed about it. Its no different that growing up in a family where the husband beats his wife while the small children watch. The son grows up to believe that is how to treat a wife, and the daughter grows up expecting to be treated that way. Even though they may realize deep down it's wrong the fear of change (the unknown) will keep them from seeing out a healthy relationship.