I recently quit my job to enroll in a four-month job retraining program. Having been at the same company for 17 years, I had chosen to stay closeted after I came out to myself, and this brought me some pause. My emotions ranged widely as if I were riding a rollercoaster. One day I was certain I would need to live out and proud, then a few hours later I would second guess my stand because I realized how unsafe that choice may actually be. Furthermore, I felt as though I wouldn’t be “walking the talk” I had so adamantly preached about in many of my previous blog posts.
As time went on I had resigned myself to being closeted at work because I didn’t want to take any chance that being part of the LGBTQ+ crowd might in some way hinder advancement in my new chosen career. After all, I just took out a very large student loan and exerted a great deal of effort to improve my situation, it made no sense whatsoever to hinder it in any way. This went on to me feeling helpless, once again, in addition to heightening my feelings of “less-than-ness” and my “otherness.” My whole life I have spent being like so much cloth, twisting at the whim of any breeze that passed me by. I thought things would have been somehow different now that for the first time in my life, I am experiencing a sense of belonging accompanied with life purpose, and finally realizing my new found Bisexual super powers. So why has nothing changed? Why do I feel just as shackled and benign as I’ve always been?
I count myself lucky in that I had grown up in great denial of my own Bisexuality, not discovering it until my late 40s. I feel like I dodged the huge bullet of mental health issues caused by growing up, out as LGBTQ+ in a religious family. I had enough other mental health issues of my own, causing me to contemplate ending my life once, having had this added on to it would surely have pushed me over the edge. Now, the same old feelings of “less-than-ness” and “otherness” are coming back with a vengeance. This time, however, I don’t know how to combat them without risking my safety.
My safety is very important to me. Having grown up as the principal’s kid and being picked on and punched daily for most of my school career, I decided I would cope with these feelings rather than risking my safety, or that of others, should it ever become an issue.
My most recent feelings of “otherness” and “less-than-ness” cropped up during a lunch break a few months ago when several of my classmates started expressing their much less than appropriate views regarding the transgender community. It was apparent to me, another classmate found this hate speech terrifying, based on the fact they were staring straight ahead not moving a muscle. The hate I felt was palpable and it wasn’t even being directed at me. I can’t begin to imagine what it must have been like for my classmate.
At the time I chose not to say anything because I was afraid for the safety of this person. Because I am mostly straight passing and my classmate is less so, I didn’t want those spewing hate to assume my classmate had spoken to someone at school and then gang up on them because of it. I would have felt awful, if I had been the cause of any repercussions they may have had to suffer had I brought this to the school’s attention. I did, however, speak to someone I trusted about the incident. They knew the parties involved, and together we decided it was wise of me to not say anything, for fear of retaliation. If it happened again, however, we both agreed I would definitely need to speak to someone about it.
Luckily it didn’t happen again for a very long time, and the classmate I spoke of earlier had not been present this time. Once again, I chose to stay silent because I am strong enough to deal with it and we were nearing the end of the program. As you may have guessed, by this point I have realized the best course of action is to deal with these things on a case-by-case basis. It is also important to weigh the safety risks heavily, for all involved, before choosing to say something.
I thought, because we were so near graduation, I wouldn’t have to deal with it again, and patted myself on the back for correctly choosing my battles. It turned out, I wasn’t as lucky as I had hoped to be. Just after lunch, the day before graduation, four students began openly sharing their disgust towards the transgender community. This time, it was so bad the person I spoke of earlier was no longer able to stay silent and started sticking up for the trans community, and things got heated very quickly. (If I had to guess, I would say this classmate is a fully transitioned F2M trans person.) Things got so bad I decided I needed to leave because the level of my anger had risen to a place where I would no longer be able to stay silent. I also feared I might say things I would regret if I didn’t leave.
I thought, because we were so near graduation, I wouldn’t have to deal with it again, and patted myself on the back for correctly choosing my battles. It turned out, I wasn’t as lucky as I had hoped to be. Just after lunch, the day before graduation, four students began openly sharing their disgust towards the transgender community. This time, it was so bad the person I spoke of earlier was no longer able to stay silent and started sticking up for the trans community, and things got heated very quickly. (If I had to guess, I would say this classmate is a fully transitioned F2M trans person.) Things got so bad I decided I needed to leave because the level of my anger had risen to a place where I would no longer be able to stay silent. I also feared I might say things I would regret if I didn’t leave.
As I gathered my things to leave I noticed the instructor. He was sitting at his desk, listening to music with his headphones. (Technically class had not yet started again, but regardless of that, he should not have been listening to music with headphones, but been focusing on his classroom. That however, is an additional unrelated issue.) Had he been more alert to what was happening in his class he could have stopped things before they got way out of hand.
Right before I left, as I was watching the other student defending trans people, I heard the following from my other classmates:
Right before I left, as I was watching the other student defending trans people, I heard the following from my other classmates:
(Spoken in a harsh tone) “Anyone who thinks they are transgender, is mentally ill. IT’S JUST NOT NORMAL.”
“Yeah man, that’s gay as AIDS!”
“It’s totally disgusting.”
After I got myself to the room we were all to meet in shortly, I told myself, “Tomorrow is graduation, keep your mouth shut so as not to cause any more tension that could negatively effect the group presentation. You can say something afterwards.”
I knew I was right, but it really pissed me off! I kept myself calm until after the group presentation during our graduation the following day, but that is were it stopped. I had decided now was the time I would be able to speak up without fear of putting myself or someone else in an unsafe situation. Furthermore, the school needed to know about the instructor’s inactions in regard to the issue, as well as others not mentioned.
The school requires each student to complete a standard survey in class at the end of each week. The survey is anonymous to allow students to say what needs to be said without any fear of repercussions by students or instructors. I had already planned on giving them an earful about the instructor anyway, so adding this wouldn’t be any problem as far as I was concerned. Given I would have already graduated by the time the instructor saw what I wrote, I no longer cared that he would be able to tell it was me who had dropped a dime on him anyway. The school has asked its students their opinion of each instructor to make certain said instructors is doing a good job. If no one tells the school their instructors have issues they can only assume everything is fine. This makes it even more important that I let the school know what was going on.
I knew I was right, but it really pissed me off! I kept myself calm until after the group presentation during our graduation the following day, but that is were it stopped. I had decided now was the time I would be able to speak up without fear of putting myself or someone else in an unsafe situation. Furthermore, the school needed to know about the instructor’s inactions in regard to the issue, as well as others not mentioned.
The school requires each student to complete a standard survey in class at the end of each week. The survey is anonymous to allow students to say what needs to be said without any fear of repercussions by students or instructors. I had already planned on giving them an earful about the instructor anyway, so adding this wouldn’t be any problem as far as I was concerned. Given I would have already graduated by the time the instructor saw what I wrote, I no longer cared that he would be able to tell it was me who had dropped a dime on him anyway. The school has asked its students their opinion of each instructor to make certain said instructors is doing a good job. If no one tells the school their instructors have issues they can only assume everything is fine. This makes it even more important that I let the school know what was going on.
This doesn’t mean, however, I can put the instructor on blast. Nor can I say hateful or untrue things about him just because I don’t like him. In order to be certain I handled this in as professional a manner as possible, I wrote out what I planned to say, then left it over night and re-read it again. I also asked another person to read what I had written to be certain the tone of what I had penned was appropriate, and I wasn’t slinging any mud or being unfair to the instructor. Once I was satisfied everything was in order I emailed student services. They replied promptly, and were very apologetic about the whole thing. They also told me the instructor’s supervisor had been notified, as well.
I now feel so much better about myself and my situation. I was not only able to stand up for myself and the LGBTQ+ community, I was also able to do so, while keeping myself and my classmate safe at the same time. I am very excited I have found a way to do both and I no longer have to feel helpless, less-than or other.
This situation puts me in mind of a lesson I learned from a former pastor of mine. Most Christians have heard about Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, in which he talks about turning the other cheek. I am embarrassed to say I was in my mid 30s before I understood the meaning of this teaching. (Especially since I had grown up with parents who worked for the church and I had been educated and graduated in church schools myself.)
In the three stories Jesus gave us examples of how we should act as Christians, when being mistreated. I had always wrongfully thought Christ wanted us to peacefully take any mistreatment we were given and not to fight back. But that couldn’t be further from the truth because there is a much deeper meaning to turning the other cheek. The only way to truly understand this, however, is to understand Jewish law in Jesus’ day. Once you do, you will realize that Christ has taught us not to take things lying down but to do so in such a way that we bring to light to the wrong doing of the other person.
For example, when Christ said, “If a man should strike his wife, she should turn her cheek and let her husband hit her again,” I always thought this teaching was madness until my Pastor taught me that in Jewish law of the time it was perfectly legal for a husband to strike his wife with the back of his hand. By turning her cheek, the wife would then force her husband to strike her with his open palm, which was highly against Jewish law, thus placing the husband in a great deal of trouble.
Additionally, Christ said, “If a soldier tells you to carry his pack for a mile, carry it for two.” Roman law stated a soldier could legally demand anyone to carry his pack for one mile only. Carrying it for a second mile would bring to light his unjust deed causing punishment to be brought onto the soldier.
Likewise, If someone sued you and took your shirt, you were to give them your cloak as well. In Jesus day, clothing was used as collateral. Therefore, a banker could hold your cloak as collateral during the day if you were unable to pay your debt, however, they were required to return it to you each night in order for you to stay warm as you slept. Once again, all of the things Christ is asking us to do, are ways to spotlight the wrong doings of others so they may be punished for their unjust deeds. The last thing Jesus would ever want for anyone of us would be to allow ourselves to be hurt or taken advantage of.
This situation puts me in mind of a lesson I learned from a former pastor of mine. Most Christians have heard about Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, in which he talks about turning the other cheek. I am embarrassed to say I was in my mid 30s before I understood the meaning of this teaching. (Especially since I had grown up with parents who worked for the church and I had been educated and graduated in church schools myself.)
In the three stories Jesus gave us examples of how we should act as Christians, when being mistreated. I had always wrongfully thought Christ wanted us to peacefully take any mistreatment we were given and not to fight back. But that couldn’t be further from the truth because there is a much deeper meaning to turning the other cheek. The only way to truly understand this, however, is to understand Jewish law in Jesus’ day. Once you do, you will realize that Christ has taught us not to take things lying down but to do so in such a way that we bring to light to the wrong doing of the other person.
For example, when Christ said, “If a man should strike his wife, she should turn her cheek and let her husband hit her again,” I always thought this teaching was madness until my Pastor taught me that in Jewish law of the time it was perfectly legal for a husband to strike his wife with the back of his hand. By turning her cheek, the wife would then force her husband to strike her with his open palm, which was highly against Jewish law, thus placing the husband in a great deal of trouble.
Additionally, Christ said, “If a soldier tells you to carry his pack for a mile, carry it for two.” Roman law stated a soldier could legally demand anyone to carry his pack for one mile only. Carrying it for a second mile would bring to light his unjust deed causing punishment to be brought onto the soldier.
Likewise, If someone sued you and took your shirt, you were to give them your cloak as well. In Jesus day, clothing was used as collateral. Therefore, a banker could hold your cloak as collateral during the day if you were unable to pay your debt, however, they were required to return it to you each night in order for you to stay warm as you slept. Once again, all of the things Christ is asking us to do, are ways to spotlight the wrong doings of others so they may be punished for their unjust deeds. The last thing Jesus would ever want for anyone of us would be to allow ourselves to be hurt or taken advantage of.
It is also very important to note that in each of these situations, the person being mistreated never got out of hand themselves. They weren’t even being passive aggressive. All they were doing is living in such a way that their own actions couldn’t be questioned, thus amplifying the wrong doing of others.
When It comes to being an activist for the LGBTQ+ community, and by extension for yourself, make certain you keep yourself safe. Then and only then, use any policies and procedures in place, be they legal or administrative, to make others in authority aware of your mistreatment. Also, remember to do so in such a way that you are being honest, factual, respectful, and free of malic. As you can see from my example, acting in this way had a very powerful and positive impact and exacted a mighty blow against hate for the LGBTQ+ community, all while keeping us from looking like loud mouthed whiney liberals.
