My Son Is Bisexual, Now What?

So you’ve just found out your son is bisexual. You are likely experiencing a flood of emotions and you don’t even know what to think or feel. These, however, are only some of the emotions your son experienced when he came to realize and admitted to himself he was bisexual. Whether your son is twelve, twenty-two or fifty-two they have all struggled a great deal before getting to the point they were comfortable enough with themselves to share it with you.   

I can give you a better idea of the demons he had to overcome by sharing what it was like for me. I grew up in the Midwest during the 70s and 80s, in a religious family with parents who both worked for the church. I didn’t even hear the term bisexual until I was married in the early 90s, so when I started experiencing same sex attraction at age 14 I was confused and scared.

I didn’t want to talk to my parents about what was happening with my body because I knew how both God and they felt about it. Not only had my parents and the church told me being homosexual was a sin, society also treated gay men terribly. It was very clear to me that having same sex attraction made me less of a man. I couldn’t even talk with a teacher or a counselor because I went to a Lutheran High School, which meant I would be met with the same un-approving eyes.

In the 80’s, as well as, today nearly 40 years later, the world still thinks less of men who sleep with other men. This belief system is instilled in boys from a very early age by their parents, teachers, pastors, news media, cartoons, and sitcoms. By the time boys get to middle school and high school the bullies are armed with many slurs to demean other boys, the majority of which are designed to question their masculinity. It doesn’t matter if the boy they are bullying is actually homosexual or bisexual, these slurs are used to emotionally belittle those being bullied because they are the slurs that cut the deepest and leave the longest lasting scars. Because of this the only out homosexuals around when I was in school were the ones who were unable to hide the tell tale signs of what is now considered to be the stereotypical gay man.

This meant, at 14, I was left with only my limited knowledge on the subject and my internal homophobia as comfort. Although I was very confused by having attractions to both girls and boys, I hung onto the fact that I knew I wasn’t gay because I liked girls. It took a few years for me to come up with a coping mechanism which included uneducated assumptions and a huge dose of denial. That denial lasted until I was 48, when my internal struggle surfaced again.

If you are someone who thinks that homosexuality and bisexuality is a choice, I would like you to consider the following. When I was 14 years old, I would have chosen to be any number of great things, like the school’s star athlete, a straight A student, or someone whose parents made more money so that the rich kids at school would like me. The one thing I would never, and still don’t choose to be is bisexual.

I have never understood why people would think someone would willing choose a LGBTQ+ lifestyle. Choosing that lifestyle only brings you hate in many forms, which in some cases has lead to injury and death, all because of who a person is attracted to. Your son no more chose to be bisexual than he chose to have blond hair and blue eyes.

So whether your son is teenaged, or an adult, know the internal struggle he endured was nothing short of agonizing, and it likely took years for him to get to the point where he was able to accept himself and then longer yet until he was able to tell you. It took me more than two weeks to get to the point that I was able to tell my parents, after deciding I was going to come out, and I was 51 years old. Please know it took a great amount of courage and trust in you for him to tell you he is bisexual.

You might be thinking, but my strong religious beliefs prevent me from accepting my son’s life choices. As a son of two Lutheran church workers I can tell you I could care less whether or not my parents accepted my life choices. My life choices are between me and God. What I did want more than anything else in the whole world was to know, even though I am bisexual, that my family still loves and accepts me regardless of my bisexuality!

As a parent you can still love and accept your son for the simple reason he is just that, your son. His bisexuality is only one very small part of who he is as a person. It doesn’t define him, nor does his bisexuality reflect badly on you. If this is something you struggle with, please don’t treat your son any differently than Christ would have. Speak with your pastor about counseling to help you understand your own feelings towards your son.

Please don’t beat yourself up because you responded less than appropriately when your son came out to you. Your son had a very long time to steel his resolve before he told you. You where caught off guard, and might have even been in shock. That’s ok, you can still redeem yourself. You can always apologize and ask for forgiveness. Once you have done so, the best gift you can give your son is your complete love and acceptance.

I would like to add one final note about accepting your son even if you don’t approve of his lifestyle choices. Be certain your actions are in line with your words of acceptance. You can say you love and accept your son all you want, but if he sees you make a face of disgust when you see two men holding hands or sharing a kiss, that sends him the message you aren’t practicing what you preach. Policing your actions is especially important if your son is young. Your actions may not be as overt as someone who is bullying your son at school but they will have an even greater affect on him because that message of disapproval came from you. Disapproval that could lead to sever depression and even worse.

Despite Claims, Most Straight Men Are Not Having Gay Sex

Straight men have a lot of gay sex, study shows (Link below)

https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2018/04/29/gay-sex-love-straight-men-study-shows/

I have read many articles like the one above over the last year or so. Many of which claim the men in these situations identify as straight. This is the first article which sites actual study details which show what I have always believed to be true. Most of the men engaging in same sex hook ups are NOT actually straight.

The study indicates there are many reasons why seemingly straight me are having what this article calls “gay sex” hook ups. Sixty percent of the men who had little to no sexual experience with another male stated they were experimenting. An undocumented percentage of that group found the experience to be not pleasurable. Presumably, these men actually are straight and discontinued having sex with men. The other two groups of men who did enjoy the experience, claimed either alcohol or a desire to have a relationship with the hook up played a part in their encounter with the other man.

The article went on to say twenty-eight percent of those claiming to be heterosexual while having same sex hook ups had strong practices or belief systems which may be preventing them from identifying as non-heterosexual. I would venture a guess those who did not have strong religious affiliations and still are claiming to be heterosexual are experiencing some form of internalize homophobia, and are still working through the issue of their same sex attractions.

Finally, my assumptions about the articles claiming “straight men” are having “gay sex” have been proven to not be true. Based on the study, in the linked article, there are only a small percentage of straight men who have claimed to be straight that actually are straight and found their same sex hook up as unpleasant. That leaves the remaining group of men who actually enjoyed their encounters, and are still claiming to be heterosexual for religious or internalized homophobia. One thing is certain, most of them are still on the path to figuring out how they really identify.  Eventually they may decide that while they enjoyed their experiences they are mostly heterosexual and will choose to stop having sex with other men and identify as straight. Others still, may come to realize they are actually gay. Still more will eventually come to realize they are either bisexual or queer. In the end, very few of these men are actually straight.

Another realization I made is this truthful article was posted on the Pink News website. All of they other supposed articles claiming large numbers of straight men are having gay sex, have been written sans research data with the express intent of being used as click bait for their advertisers. Even Pink News has succumbed to being click bait-ish with the title of their article, given it doesn’t match the data found in the within.

Why do bisexual people hide their sexuality more than gay people?

In lue of a blog post, I am posting this highly informative article.

https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/bisexual-people-hide-sexuality/#gs.pwPJ2Xc

Erased Again, Who's Fault Is It?

Well, its all over Face Book. The Disney Corp. has come out with “Pride Ears.” It’s a new version of the ever famous black Mickey Mouse ears, only this time the ears are round Pride Flags.  This is really frustrating to me, because most of the comments are talking about “Gay Pride,” not LGBTQ Pride, which is what that flag was and is supposed to mean.

Over the years, since the pride flag came out, it has come to represent Gay Pride only. The general public, or more specifically the young adult millennial, now believes the pride flag to be the “Gay” pride flag. As someone who was born before 1970, I know the pride flag was to be inclusive of the whole LGBTQ community which existed at the time of it’s creation. Never mind that Bisexuals represent 52% of the entire LGBTQ community. So when you break it down, there are more bisexuals than all the rest of the LGBTQ community combined.

If, like me, you immediately became enraged about this epic case of bi-erasure and you want to scream at the top of your lungs, “what about us?” I suggest you stop and wait a minute. Take some time and think about whose fault is it, and why do we live in a society that thinks this way in the first place?

After a while I realized, if I was looking to place blame on anyone I needed to look no further than my bathroom mirror. Furthermore, I suggest you do the same because we bisexuals have no one to blame but ourselves. Before you get your torches and pitchforks to hunt me down, hear me out.

After Stonewall, when the LGBT movement was born, the community banned together to make ourselves heard. Brenda Howard, a bisexual who is considered the “Mother of Pride,” was instrumental in starting what would eventually become as the Gay Pride Parade, and actually coined the term Pride, So, bisexuals were actually present in the very beginning, what happened?   

I’m no expert on the history of bisexuality or bi activism, nor have I been a part of the LGBTQ community or out for very long. However, the one thing I have discovered and believe to be the root cause of the biphobia and bi-erasure we experience today is this; as a general rule bisexuals find it easier to blend in and hide from society and a large majority of us do it for that very reason.

Right before I came out, I was trying to find any bisexual resources I could in my major metro area. I thought, “This won’t be big deal, I’ll just Google it.” Boy was I wrong! I went to Google and tried searching “Bisexual Support Groups,” I got pages and pages of results but they were all for gay, lesbian, and transgender groups.  If it said, LGBTQ, I got excited until I clicked and started reading, then my heart sank because I found the LGBTQ really means gay and lesbian, and trans if you are lucky. Each time I changed my search criteria the results I got were the internet’s version of crickets chirping.

As Individuals we need not be too hard on ourselves about blending into the wood work. I totally get wanting to be invisible. I mean, I grew up in a religious family who taught me that homosexuality was a sin punishable by death. It was also the 70’s and 80’s when gay men were being accused of causing the AIDs epidemic, and society treated them like infectious dregs. Even though the 70’s and 80’s were terrible times for gays and lesbians, they stood up for themselves. They made their voices heard. They became tireless activist pushing what became known as “The Gay Agenda.” Did they stop pushing in the 90’s or after the turn of the century? HELL NO! They pushed and pushed and pushed until they couldn’t push any longer and then they pushed some more.

Meanwhile, not all, but most bisexuals sat by and watched in their heteronormative, straight passing relationships. The got married and started families. I can’t speak for all bisexuals, but I for one didn’t even know bisexual was a thing I could even be. I had no idea these people represented a community I was also a part of, so I too sat and watched their struggle.

The gay and lesbian community, while small in number, were able to effect powerful and permanent changes in the United States and the world. They finally had enough and wouldn’t stand to be mistreated any longer.  Because of those changes people are coming to realize that gay and lesbian people come in all shapes, sizes, skin colors, religions, personality types, and more. Come to find out the majority of them are not stereotypical at all. I was surprised the first time I attended the gay men’s social group I am now a member of. There wasn’t one man that fit the stereotypical mold of what society told me a gay man in the 70’s and 80’s was like. If I had walked passed them not knowing they were gay, I might have thought it was a group bible study. When I have been in attendance, only once did I ever see anyone give the group a second glance.

So, what does all of this mean for us as bisexuals today? You guessed it, It’s time we got off our collective asses and did something about it! It’s time for us to step outside of our heteronormative straight passing relationships to be heard and counted. It’s time to let our friends, neighbors, and coworkers that we are Bisexual and Proud of it! It’s time we replace the gay agenda with the BI-AGENDA!” It’s time we educate everyone, in public, in our churches synagogues, and mosques, in our schools, and strangers we meet, that bisexuality isn’t wrong or a sin, but that we are everywhere, and that we aren’t slutty, promiscuous, confused, cheaters who will leave you for another sex, or a plaything for your bedroom threesomes.

It also means, the only way anyone of us has the right to complain about biphobia, bi-erasure, unfair treatment in healthcare, and how we are unfairly viewed by religious groups is if we get up off our own ass and do something, anything big or small, about it. Wear a T-shirt proclaiming how proud you are to be bisexual. Don’t back down when someone says nasty things to you about being bisexual. Educate them in a respectful way so they might actually have a change of heart one day. Start a bisexual support group in your town, or a bisexual YouTube channel. Make your bisexuality know on social media.

DON’T BE AFRAID! DON’T HIDE! BE STRONG! BE OUT! BE PROUD!

The only way we will ever be able to make a collective difference and lead the world on a path form tolerance to acceptance is to get off our individual asses making small differences in our own world every day until we don’t need to any longer.