One Monogamist's View On Coping With Same Sex Attraction In A Heteronormative Relationship

I have been a serial monogamist my entire life, both before and after I realized my bisexuality. In the year since I have frequented bisexual spaces on line I have noticed a reoccurring theme which stems from our struggle to curb our urges of same sex attraction, while in a heteronormative relationship. It has also been my observation the reason this struggle even exists is because we all grew up in a heteronormative, and therefore a sexual binary world. Furthermore, no one is exempt from this struggle. Some overcome it more easily than others, but it’s still there none the less.

The tenets of a sexual binary society state, regardless of your sexual identity, straight or homosexual, you can only be attracted to either a male or a female, but never both at the same time. I have seen many people in online groups post how very frustrated they are because the world doesn’t understand one simple fact; bisexuals are indeed non binary in their sexuality. Yet, two days later they post how upset they are because their spouse, who married them under the pretense they were straight and whished to live monogamously, is now enraged because they are being asked by their newly out spouse to agree to an open marriage.

How can this be? If seemingly monogamous bisexuals truly believe their sexuality to be non binary, then why do they view their urges to men and women as separate? Furthermore, if they were in denial like me, they had been curbing their same sex attraction for decades prior to realizing their true sexuality and now are all at once not able to contain it.

When I first admitted and accepted my same sex attractions, it was like buying a new make and model car. All of a sudden the streets are filled with them. The week before you hadn’t seen one, or so it seemed and now they are everywhere. Fortunately for me, I am single, and I had chosen to keep my feelings hidden until I understood them better and decided how I would choose deal with them. That was four years ago and the same sex attractions are still just as much a part of my daily life as opposite sex ones are.

Since these attractions will always be there it is now up to me how I choose to deal with them. For me, being the poster child for monogamy helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel early on. If I was able to resist temptation and avoid cheating on my ex wife while we were married, then it shouldn’t be any harder as a bisexual right?

Some of you will say I’m crazy because the same sex attractions are so strong! But I say, if you were able to remain faithful when you thought you were straight then it will be just as easy to remain faithful now that you have discovered your truth as a bisexual. If you don’t believe me keep reading.

Whether you are only out to your spouse, or you are living out and proud, makes absolutely no difference. The key to ending the struggle within you is as simple as changing the way you view your own sexuality. Because you were raised to believe all sexuality was binary you have an “either or” mentality when it comes to your sexual urges. You have been programmed your whole life to believe that a sexual urge for a man is somehow completely different than a sexual urge for a woman, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth!

For many years science has believed that each person’s sexuality rests somewhere on a spectrum between totally heterosexual and totally homosexual, with bisexuality somewhere in the middle. Therefore, sexual urges have never been something to divide or view separately. Think of it like pancakes. You can like your pancakes made plain, or with chocolate chips, blueberries, strawberries, or any combination of extras. The thing is, whether or not you choose to eat them plain or with something extra added in, one fact remains, they will still be pancakes no matter what you add.

So your struggle doesn’t stem from being sexually attracted to more than one gender, but from how you perceive your sexual urges in the first place. When I was married and in denial about my same sex attractions I only paid attention to the opposite sex ones. Shortly after starting a new job with a new company, I met and became very attracted to an opposite sex coworker. We were both married to someone else. Additionally, I had a daughter and my wife was pregnant with our second child at the time. One day, while working together, we looked at each other and sparks flew! In that same instant we both looked at each other as if to say, “NOPE!” and nothing more ever came of it. It would have been very easy for me to give in. My marriage was far less than ideal at the time and would eventually end in divorce within the next 12 months. But the reality of the situation was that I made a vow to my wife to stick with her no matter what, and as long as we were husband and wife that meant I didn’t give myself to anyone else physically or emotionally.

Because I am monogamous, I choose not to act on any sexual urges outside of my marriage, or any relationship I am in for that matter. For me it is a matter of respect for my partner, my marriage and/or any committed relationship I am in. I also choose to treat my spouse/partner with the same respect I wish to be treated with myself. Those are the vows I took, and if I remember correctly they were for better or worse. Neither of us gets a pass for any reason. When something comes up we work through it as a couple. That includes when one of us is experiencing same sex attractions.

Personally, there were many signs that I chose to ignore while I was married, which had I perused, I might not have been happy with what I found. Subconsciously I chose to stay in denial because I wouldn’t have been able to handle the pain of what I believed to be happening. Because of this my resolve to remain monogamous to any partner I may have, turned to steel, because I understand what a betrayal those actions create and how damaging it is to the trust between partners along with the feelings that go with such acts.

Additionally, according to cognitive therapy, you brain doesn’t know the difference between the truth and a lie. That means if you continually tell yourself you can’t quit smoking, that it’s too hard, and you don’t have the willpower to do something like that, your brain will eventually believe it and you won’t be able to quit. Unfortunately, your brain is like a computer with no delete key. That means you can’t just erase all of the things you have falsely trained your brain to believe. Like, “I’ll never feel whole until I satisfy my same sex urges.” etc, etc, etc.

Don’t beat yourself up for thinking this way. The world has brain washed you into believing these things. It is, however, your job to retrain your mind. It can be done, and I am proof. Both my wife and I stopped smoking using this theory along with hypnotism. I don’t think you will need to be hypnotized to snap yourself out of believing you will explode or the world will end if you don’t ever get to fulfill your same sex urges, but it can be done. I am a huge Harry Potter fan and there is a quote from Dumbledore which fits perfectly here. “There will come a time, Harry, when you must choose between what is right and what is easy.” and I couldn’t agree more.

I wish this were as easy as waving a wand or reciting and incantation, but its not. The good news is you can change the way you think about your same sex urges without any magic at all. What you have to help yourself to understand is this:

All attraction is on a spectrum and can’t be divided and therefore it can not and should not be viewed differently based on the sex of the person you are attracted to.

When you understand your attractions to all sexes are the same no matter what, it will be far easier to deal with your same sex attractions, just like you have dealt with your opposite sex attractions the whole time you thought you were straight and half of a heteronormative relationship.

You must also use self talk when you catch yourself thinking negative or false thoughts about your same sex attractions. When you hear yourself thinking, “I will never be able to be emotionally healthy unless I fulfill my same sex urges.” You can tell yourself, “Actually, that’s not true at all. They are no different than my opposite sex urges and I have already proven to myself that I am able to be emotionally healthy while remaining monogamous to my partner.” You can also tell yourself, “I respect myself, my body, my spouse and my marriage/relationship enough that I am willing to stay true to them all. I am emotionally strong enough to overcome these urges and maintain the monogamous relationship I desire.”

It won’t happen over night, and it will take lots of positive self talk before you are able to see your same sex urges in a new light, but it will definitely be worth it. You will no longer be depressed or constantly feel like you are missing out. This is because you love yourself and your partner and are respecting yourselves as you both deserve to be respected. It takes, however, a conscious effort on your part to make this happen.

Finally, to make all of this work, it will take two partners who are willing to work through this. Each couple’s solution/compromise will be unique to their relationship, as well it should be. The wise thing would be to find an LGBTQ+ sensitive counselor who is trained to help mixed sexual orientation couples and who can also work with the bisexual partner separately to help them sort their own feelings out as well.

Unfortunately, not all couples will be able to get through this, but it is possible and has been done before. Please love yourself enough to know and admit when it is clear a compromise is not attainable and give yourself permission to move on.

With all of that said, there will still be some people who either won’t agree with me, or have already made up their minds that their marriage/relationship is over. That can only be determined by that person alone. I do not pretend to know everyone’s situation. The above thoughts are my views alone.

*A note to my poly readers.

It was not my intention, when I wrote this post to either shame, or erase polyamorous people or their lifestyle. I wrote this to help those bisexuals who were struggling to keep their marriage or relationship afloat in a sea of confusion and uncertainty.

Many individuals have successfully navigated the waters of polyamory. While the poly lifestyle is not for everyone, it is still one of the options many bisexuals pursue and enjoy happy plural relationships.