I have been a serial monogamist my entire life, both before
and after I realized my bisexuality. In the year since I have frequented
bisexual spaces on line I have noticed a reoccurring theme which stems from our
struggle to curb our urges of same sex attraction, while in a heteronormative relationship.
It has also been my observation the reason this struggle even exists is because
we all grew up in a heteronormative, and therefore a sexual binary world.
Furthermore, no one is exempt from this struggle. Some overcome it more easily
than others, but it’s still there none the less.
The tenets of a sexual binary society state, regardless of
your sexual identity, straight or homosexual, you can only be attracted to
either a male or a female, but never both at the same time. I have seen many
people in online groups post how very frustrated they are because the world
doesn’t understand one simple fact; bisexuals are indeed non binary in their
sexuality. Yet, two days later they post how upset they are because their
spouse, who married them under the pretense they were straight and whished to
live monogamously, is now enraged because they are being asked by their newly
out spouse to agree to an open marriage.
How can this be? If seemingly monogamous bisexuals truly
believe their sexuality to be non binary, then why do they view their urges to
men and women as separate? Furthermore, if they were in denial like me, they
had been curbing their same sex attraction for decades prior to realizing their
true sexuality and now are all at once not able to contain it.
When I first admitted and accepted my same sex attractions,
it was like buying a new make and model car. All of a sudden the streets are
filled with them. The week before you hadn’t seen one, or so it seemed and now
they are everywhere. Fortunately for me, I am single, and I had chosen to keep
my feelings hidden until I understood them better and decided how I would
choose deal with them. That was four years ago and the same sex attractions are
still just as much a part of my daily life as opposite sex ones are.
Since these attractions will always be there it is now up to
me how I choose to deal with them. For me, being the poster child for monogamy
helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel early on. If I was able to
resist temptation and avoid cheating on my ex wife while we were married, then
it shouldn’t be any harder as a bisexual right?
Some of you will say I’m crazy because the same sex
attractions are so strong! But I say, if you were able to remain faithful when
you thought you were straight then it will be just as easy to remain faithful
now that you have discovered your truth as a bisexual. If you don’t believe me
keep reading.
Whether you are only out to your spouse, or you are living
out and proud, makes absolutely no difference. The key to ending the struggle
within you is as simple as changing the way you view your own sexuality.
Because you were raised to believe all sexuality was binary you have an “either
or” mentality when it comes to your sexual urges. You have been programmed your
whole life to believe that a sexual urge for a man is somehow completely
different than a sexual urge for a woman, and that couldn’t be farther from the
truth!
For many years science has believed that each person’s
sexuality rests somewhere on a spectrum between totally heterosexual and
totally homosexual, with bisexuality somewhere in the middle. Therefore, sexual
urges have never been something to divide or view separately. Think of it like
pancakes. You can like your pancakes made plain, or with chocolate chips,
blueberries, strawberries, or any combination of extras. The thing is, whether
or not you choose to eat them plain or with something extra added in, one fact
remains, they will still be pancakes no matter what you add.
So your struggle doesn’t stem from being sexually attracted
to more than one gender, but from how you perceive your sexual urges in the
first place. When I was married and in denial about my same sex attractions I
only paid attention to the opposite sex ones. Shortly after starting a new job
with a new company, I met and became very attracted to an opposite sex
coworker. We were both married to someone else. Additionally, I had a daughter
and my wife was pregnant with our second child at the time. One day, while
working together, we looked at each other and sparks flew! In that same instant
we both looked at each other as if to say, “NOPE!” and nothing more ever came
of it. It would have been very easy for me to give in. My marriage was far less
than ideal at the time and would eventually end in divorce within the next 12
months. But the reality of the situation was that I made a vow to my wife to
stick with her no matter what, and as long as we were husband and wife that
meant I didn’t give myself to anyone else physically or emotionally.
Because I am monogamous, I choose not to act on any sexual
urges outside of my marriage, or any relationship I am in for that matter. For
me it is a matter of respect for my partner, my marriage and/or any committed
relationship I am in. I also choose to treat my spouse/partner with the same respect
I wish to be treated with myself. Those are the vows I took, and if I remember
correctly they were for better or worse. Neither of us gets a pass for any
reason. When something comes up we work through it as a couple. That includes
when one of us is experiencing same sex attractions.
Personally, there were many signs that I chose to ignore
while I was married, which had I perused, I might not have been happy with what
I found. Subconsciously I chose to stay in denial because I wouldn’t have been
able to handle the pain of what I believed to be happening. Because of this my
resolve to remain monogamous to any partner I may have, turned to steel,
because I understand what a betrayal those actions create and how damaging it
is to the trust between partners along with the feelings that go with such
acts.
Additionally, according to cognitive therapy, you brain
doesn’t know the difference between the truth and a lie. That means if you
continually tell yourself you can’t quit smoking, that it’s too hard, and you
don’t have the willpower to do something like that, your brain will eventually
believe it and you won’t be able to quit. Unfortunately, your brain is like a
computer with no delete key. That means you can’t just erase all of the things you
have falsely trained your brain to believe. Like, “I’ll never feel whole until
I satisfy my same sex urges.” etc, etc, etc.
Don’t beat yourself up for thinking this way. The world has
brain washed you into believing these things. It is, however, your job to
retrain your mind. It can be done, and I am proof. Both my wife and I stopped
smoking using this theory along with hypnotism. I don’t think you will need to
be hypnotized to snap yourself out of believing you will explode or the world
will end if you don’t ever get to fulfill your same sex urges, but it can be
done. I am a huge Harry Potter fan and there is a quote from Dumbledore which
fits perfectly here. “There will come a time, Harry, when you must choose
between what is right and what is easy.” and I couldn’t agree more.
I wish this were as easy as waving a wand or reciting and
incantation, but its not. The good news is you can change the way you think
about your same sex urges without any magic at all. What you have to help
yourself to understand is this:
All attraction is on a spectrum and can’t be divided and
therefore it can not and should not be viewed differently based on the sex of
the person you are attracted to.
When you understand your attractions to all sexes are the
same no matter what, it will be far easier to deal with your same sex
attractions, just like you have dealt with your opposite sex attractions the
whole time you thought you were straight and half of a heteronormative
relationship.
You must also use self talk when you catch yourself thinking
negative or false thoughts about your same sex attractions. When you hear
yourself thinking, “I will never be able to be emotionally healthy unless I
fulfill my same sex urges.” You can tell yourself, “Actually, that’s not true
at all. They are no different than my opposite sex urges and I have already
proven to myself that I am able to be emotionally healthy while remaining
monogamous to my partner.” You can also tell yourself, “I respect myself, my
body, my spouse and my marriage/relationship enough that I am willing to stay
true to them all. I am emotionally strong enough to overcome these urges and
maintain the monogamous relationship I desire.”
It won’t happen over night, and it will take lots of
positive self talk before you are able to see your same sex urges in a new
light, but it will definitely be worth it. You will no longer be depressed or
constantly feel like you are missing out. This is because you love yourself and
your partner and are respecting yourselves as you both deserve to be respected.
It takes, however, a conscious effort on your part to make this happen.
Finally, to make all of this work, it will take two partners
who are willing to work through this. Each couple’s solution/compromise will be
unique to their relationship, as well it should be. The wise thing would be to
find an LGBTQ+ sensitive counselor who is trained to help mixed sexual
orientation couples and who can also work with the bisexual partner separately
to help them sort their own feelings out as well.
Unfortunately, not all couples will be able to get through
this, but it is possible and has been done before. Please love yourself enough
to know and admit when it is clear a compromise is not attainable and give
yourself permission to move on.
With all of that said, there will still be some people who
either won’t agree with me, or have already made up their minds that their
marriage/relationship is over. That can only be determined by that person
alone. I do not pretend to know everyone’s situation. The above thoughts are my
views alone.
*A note to my poly readers.
It was not my intention, when I wrote this post to either
shame, or erase polyamorous people or their lifestyle. I wrote this to help
those bisexuals who were struggling to keep their marriage or relationship
afloat in a sea of confusion and uncertainty.
Many individuals have successfully navigated the waters of
polyamory. While the poly lifestyle is not for everyone, it is still one of the
options many bisexuals pursue and enjoy happy plural relationships.
I appreciate your note at the end, thank you. And fwiw, I am a poly person by nature but share your bafflement at the folks who need to date one person who is male and one who is female and see that as the natural state, something akin to monogamy rather than polyamory...
ReplyDeleteWeirdly enough my straight, monogamous husband who has zero desire to date anyone other than me (though he does find other women very attractive sexually and we are very open with each other about our attractions) also has this societally-accepted binary so deeply ingrained that what he wants is for me to not date men, or even kiss one, but to have whatever relationships with women I want, as freely as I and they want. (Nonbinary folks and trans folks who haven't had physical transition are on a case by case basis for him in terms of whether they set off the "jealousy flare" - some do, some don't, and not according to what you might think his preconceptions would be, either.)
What I found interesting is that at some point in our marriage, I started to actually *believe* that he meant that, and rather than being more interested in women and nonbinary people (as one might expect, and as I am *now*, many years later), it was my attractions to MEN that were temporarily harder to ignore. I could not believe it. *rolls eyes at self* Seems like forbidden fruit sure is sweetest, regardless of the genders in question...
Eventually that passed and now I am comfortable with all my attractions and not overwhelmed by any of them - though I do sometimes (very rarely) act on my attractions for people who are not men, and he has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader for those relationships, all of which are close friendships and which sometimes involve more and sometimes do not... and he's completely secure that my faith in our relationship and my commitment to him are not threatened by them. (As indeed they were not, but not because those folks weren't men! I'm just committed to him no matter what :D.)
Meanwhile I don't really care what he does or doesn't do with other people, regardless of gender, as long as there's no lying about it and I don't feel left out of his life ... but he has no interest whatsoever in a relationship with anyone who isn't me. (We do have one very close guy friend that we joke is my husband's "other wife", because they're as close as any two very heterosexual men could possibly be, and other than the sex part they might as well also be married, honestly. Something that bothers some women but not at all me, or his wife for that matter.)
Sometimes we privately joke that we are "monogamish" as Dan Savage calls it. I think after 20 years of being together, we're both far more interested in making each other happy than in any of the other options life brings up - but also not threatened by things that make the other person happy and don't harm us. I realize how lucky that makes me!
Sorry to go on at such length, but I do think this is a very interesting topic, and that it's important to remember that we're in charge, not our urges. As such, I was really able to appreciate your post, even though our perspectives are quite different in some ways. :)
OOOOO I really like, "It's important to remember that we're in charge, not our urges," line. I may use that sometime. Also don't worry about being too wordy, I loved your comments! I am also glad that we can discuss this openly with respect for one another and without hate. That means a great deal to me, more than you will ever know. Please feel free to come back and read more, and share more insight. Thank you again.
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