My Son Is Bisexual, Now What?

So you’ve just found out your son is bisexual. You are likely experiencing a flood of emotions and you don’t even know what to think or feel. These, however, are only some of the emotions your son experienced when he came to realize and admitted to himself he was bisexual. Whether your son is twelve, twenty-two or fifty-two they have all struggled a great deal before getting to the point they were comfortable enough with themselves to share it with you.   

I can give you a better idea of the demons he had to overcome by sharing what it was like for me. I grew up in the Midwest during the 70s and 80s, in a religious family with parents who both worked for the church. I didn’t even hear the term bisexual until I was married in the early 90s, so when I started experiencing same sex attraction at age 14 I was confused and scared.

I didn’t want to talk to my parents about what was happening with my body because I knew how both God and they felt about it. Not only had my parents and the church told me being homosexual was a sin, society also treated gay men terribly. It was very clear to me that having same sex attraction made me less of a man. I couldn’t even talk with a teacher or a counselor because I went to a Lutheran High School, which meant I would be met with the same un-approving eyes.

In the 80’s, as well as, today nearly 40 years later, the world still thinks less of men who sleep with other men. This belief system is instilled in boys from a very early age by their parents, teachers, pastors, news media, cartoons, and sitcoms. By the time boys get to middle school and high school the bullies are armed with many slurs to demean other boys, the majority of which are designed to question their masculinity. It doesn’t matter if the boy they are bullying is actually homosexual or bisexual, these slurs are used to emotionally belittle those being bullied because they are the slurs that cut the deepest and leave the longest lasting scars. Because of this the only out homosexuals around when I was in school were the ones who were unable to hide the tell tale signs of what is now considered to be the stereotypical gay man.

This meant, at 14, I was left with only my limited knowledge on the subject and my internal homophobia as comfort. Although I was very confused by having attractions to both girls and boys, I hung onto the fact that I knew I wasn’t gay because I liked girls. It took a few years for me to come up with a coping mechanism which included uneducated assumptions and a huge dose of denial. That denial lasted until I was 48, when my internal struggle surfaced again.

If you are someone who thinks that homosexuality and bisexuality is a choice, I would like you to consider the following. When I was 14 years old, I would have chosen to be any number of great things, like the school’s star athlete, a straight A student, or someone whose parents made more money so that the rich kids at school would like me. The one thing I would never, and still don’t choose to be is bisexual.

I have never understood why people would think someone would willing choose a LGBTQ+ lifestyle. Choosing that lifestyle only brings you hate in many forms, which in some cases has lead to injury and death, all because of who a person is attracted to. Your son no more chose to be bisexual than he chose to have blond hair and blue eyes.

So whether your son is teenaged, or an adult, know the internal struggle he endured was nothing short of agonizing, and it likely took years for him to get to the point where he was able to accept himself and then longer yet until he was able to tell you. It took me more than two weeks to get to the point that I was able to tell my parents, after deciding I was going to come out, and I was 51 years old. Please know it took a great amount of courage and trust in you for him to tell you he is bisexual.

You might be thinking, but my strong religious beliefs prevent me from accepting my son’s life choices. As a son of two Lutheran church workers I can tell you I could care less whether or not my parents accepted my life choices. My life choices are between me and God. What I did want more than anything else in the whole world was to know, even though I am bisexual, that my family still loves and accepts me regardless of my bisexuality!

As a parent you can still love and accept your son for the simple reason he is just that, your son. His bisexuality is only one very small part of who he is as a person. It doesn’t define him, nor does his bisexuality reflect badly on you. If this is something you struggle with, please don’t treat your son any differently than Christ would have. Speak with your pastor about counseling to help you understand your own feelings towards your son.

Please don’t beat yourself up because you responded less than appropriately when your son came out to you. Your son had a very long time to steel his resolve before he told you. You where caught off guard, and might have even been in shock. That’s ok, you can still redeem yourself. You can always apologize and ask for forgiveness. Once you have done so, the best gift you can give your son is your complete love and acceptance.

I would like to add one final note about accepting your son even if you don’t approve of his lifestyle choices. Be certain your actions are in line with your words of acceptance. You can say you love and accept your son all you want, but if he sees you make a face of disgust when you see two men holding hands or sharing a kiss, that sends him the message you aren’t practicing what you preach. Policing your actions is especially important if your son is young. Your actions may not be as overt as someone who is bullying your son at school but they will have an even greater affect on him because that message of disapproval came from you. Disapproval that could lead to sever depression and even worse.