How To Handle Biphobia And Erasure

Anybody in the Bi community who has been out for even a short time has experienced some form of biphobia and erasure or another. It just can’t be avoided. I have only been out since the middle of February and even I am not immune. With that said, we can all benefit from sharpening our skills when it comes to dealing with the inevitable. If you are lucky, you may already have some of these skills in your toolbox and you may not even know it.

I, for instance, use many of the skills to combat biphobia and erasure, as I do when dealing with people who are ignorant regarding A.D.D. and A.D.H.D, which I and both of my children suffer from. My favorite comeback (Which I have never and will never use is, “I can no more spank the A.D.H.D. out of my child than I can slap the ignorance out of you!”

The two most important and helpful skills you must absolutely master in order to combat biphobia and erasure are understanding what causes these behaviors and strengthening yourself to the point of not caring what others think of you.

First of all, you must understand both biphobia and erasure are deeply rooted in ignorance, which according to Albert Einstein, “You can’t fix stupid!” Additionally, there are two types of ignorant people. Those who truly don’t know, yet are willing and open minded enough to learn, and those who believe they know better than you do and therefore are more dangerous to damaging your inner peace. Knowing and understanding these facts is the first skill for your toolbox to help you fight against these things. Secondly, you must become aware that what other people think of you is none of your business and not allow it to rent space in your head. Thus, once again, damaging your inner peace and your own self worth.

The next tool which will be extremely useful at maintaining your own self worth is knowledge about bisexuality. You need not be the world’s foremost authority on bisexuality or even a scholar of it. You do, however, need to have enough information to sound knowledgeable when you speak about it. Have some facts and figures ready to use politely in your own defense. Also understand that the first person who yells or acts rudely in a conversation is the first person to lose. Not that this is a fight by any stretch, however, remaining calm and respectful will go a long way in making your point.

Additionally, I have found it extremely helpful to have, in your mind, a list of people who hold emotional currency with you so you can more easily determine those who don’t. This will allow you, with some practice, to realize when someone is trying to demean or belittle you because of your bisexuality is a person who does not matter to you and subconsciously turn on your “I don’t give a F” switch in your brain. This is most helpful when you come across someone who thinks they know better than you, because you quickly become aware that this person will not be swayed and you can then give yourself permission to end the conversation and leave if required, saving yourself both time and grief.

For me as a bisexual worrying about what others think of me was the hardest hill to climb. Overcoming this took years and included therapy, all before I even knew I was bisexual. One of the best ways I have found to remind myself of who’s opinions hold emotional currency with me is to make a list in order of importance so I can quickly determine if someone is even worth my time. 1. God. 2. Me. 3. My boss, because my career and my financial needs depend on their opinions of me. Even if I don’t always agree with them. 4. My family and friends. Note that my family and friends are allowed to express their opinions, however, I measure them against the opinions of God and myself. If after doing so they don’t match I will revert to the opinions of numbers one and two. This is a resect issue for me. I owe my family that much regardless of the opinions they hold. 5. Anyone else who treats me with respect and an open mind. However, I will still revert to numbers one and two. 6. Those who remain, especially if they do not treat me with resect and an open mind. If they don’t approve of or agree with me they can just go kick rocks! (Which is the printable version of what I actually think.) As I said, this is something that takes a large amount of practice and may even take years to master, but it is well worth the battle. In the end all of this will serve to thicken your skin towards those who really don’t matter. In the words of Dr. Sues, “Those who mind, don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.”

So now that you have your toolbox filled with the skills you need, let’s talk about the most effective way to use them. Before we do, there is one more thing I would like you to think about. Given that we as bisexuals are already being erased at an alarming rate we need to educate those around us if we are ever going to live in a world where we will never have to suffer such things again. If nothing else, we want to make the world a better place for our children and all of the bisexuals who will come after us. Because of this we need to be cognizant of how those we are trying to educate perceive us, because we are the face of bisexuality to them. We may be the first bi person they have ever met. If we treat them rudely and dismiss them they will think that all bisexuals must be like this and that will do a great deal more damage to our cause.

Now, not only do you have the tools you need, you are also in the right frame of mind to handle anything. Even if it’s from the most biphobic person you’ve ever met. Remember you have nothing to fear! You got this. When you determine you are being met with biphobia or erasure the first thing you must do is determine where this person is on your list of people who hold emotional currency with you is.

Even if they are on the lowest level, and you couldn’t care less, it is still important. As I said previously, you must meet them with respect and try to educate them. It will quickly become apparent if they are someone who believes themselves to be superior in knowledge to you, and that there will never be any chance you will be able to sway their beliefs because of their closed mindedness. If this is the case, I usually say, “Well, it’s apparent to me that we both have strong opinions on this matter and it might be better if we changed the subject all together.” Then I will excuse yourself. Remember, it is absolutely none of your business what the other person thinks of you after this exchange, and furthermore, you could care less because of where this person falls on your list.

I won’t lie, these exchanges become much harder when they are with people you hold dearly, such as close family and friends. With friends, who you can’t seem to come eye to eye with, or at least agree to disagree with, you may have to cut your loss and walk away, regardless of how painful it is. With family it becomes epically more difficult. Only you can be the judge of how far you want to go, or with how much grief you are willing to put up with. Unfortunately, there are times where you may have to make the hard choice to walk away, or even worse, they may walk away from you. If that should happen, get counseling and always remember friends are the family you choose for yourself.

Next are the people who are low on your list or are family and friends who are willing to may not know what they have said to you is hurtful and care enough to change by listening and learning. Of course this is how everyone would be in a perfect world, so I am always thankful when I meet someone like this. Always take time with these people. Who knows the education you given them about bisexuality may help another bisexual in the future?  It may even be that what you’ve said to them will change the way they react when one of their children come out to them one day. They may even become huge allies for our cause. Never miss the opportunity to educate an eager person who is willing to learn.

Now let’s talk about the time, when how you react and respond to biphobia and erasure, is the most important it will ever be. It’s when you come out to your family and friends, and the months and years to come. For some, their coming out was better than they expected. For others, it was just as bad as thy knew it would be. For still others, it was shockingly bad, when they thought it wasn’t going to be a big deal at all. Lastly, like it was for me, I expected there to be some problems, but everyone acted like nothing had happened at all. Apparently, if you don’t talk about something, it isn’t a problem.

There are several things you need to keep in mind regarding the reaction you will receive from family and friends when you come out, especially when faith is involved. First off, they may never in their wildest dreams have had any idea you would ever be telling them you were bisexual, and it will be a huge shock. Think back to all of the emotions you experienced when you realized you were bisexual for the first time. Secondly, as your parents, they may be experiencing guilt because they think they may be responsible in some way for your bisexuality. There may also be faith issues in the mix, in addition to them growing up and living in times where being anything but straight was totally wrong. So as not to put too fine of a point on it. When you come out to them, it could be just as jarring as if you had hit them in the face with a fry pan when they waked into the kitchen. You on the other hand have had months or even years to deal with the same emotions you just dumped on top of them. All of this puts them in a situation which is very likely to cause them to say and do things they may not actually mean. Even if they do mean them at the time, it doesn’t mean that with time, love, understanding, and education their minds can’t be changed.

So, if you go into this situation expecting to be yelled at, or hearing hateful things, or at the very  least biphobic things or statements of erasure, you wont be shocked when they happen. You will also be better able to hold your own temper and continue to speak calmly and respectfully, even if they don’t. I had a friend tell me to give my parents a pass for one year. Let them say and do as they please, all the while educating them the best you can and letting them know that after that year was over, it needed to stop because it was not only hateful but hurtful to you and that it was something you aren’t going to put up with after that year is over. Which is a nice way of letting them know you have boundaries and if they cross them after the time limit is up you won’t be around any longer.

Some may think this is very harsh. To which I will reply, “People will only treat you in ways that you allow them to.” In my teenage and young adult life, I had very few boundaries at all, and I suffered dearly for it. It wasn’t until I learned about them and began to enforce them that my life began to improve. My life improved so much over time, I now often find myself wishing I had learned that lesson much earlier in my life.

Because of my A.D.D., and my divorce, I have had a counselor off and on most of my adult life, without which I would be absolutely unable to function without any emotional health at all. It was because of this knowledge, that it became a no brainer, four years ago to ask for help again when I realized I was bisexual. I can not recommend highly enough to seek out professional help if you are currently struggling with any issues around your bisexuality. It is very common now-a-days to find LGBTQ affirming counselors all over the place.

Additionally, counselors are a very personal thing. If the first counselor you find doesn’t feel right, or you don’t think they are a good fit for you, get a new one. If the second one still isn’t right for you, find a third and so on, until you find the right match for you. I have had the same counselor for over 17 years. Before that, however, there was a list of them that didn’t make the cut.

In the end, you are in control of who knows your bisexual identity. While I am a firm believer in letting the world know I am bisexual, because it will lead to tolerance and eventually acceptance, as it has for the gay and lesbian communities. I still am not the type of person to walk into a room and announce to everyone in it that I am bisexual. I dole out my identity on a need to know basis, through the filter of whether or not it is safe for me to do so. It isn’t mandatory that the grocery store cashier knows I like both boys and girls. It isn’t even anyone’s business who I work with, if I don’t want it to be. (The why of which is a topic for another article.) There are even times when I chose to keep it a secret because I just don’t feel like being “The Bisexual” today, who is here to educate and advocate for our community. I am not proud of the fact that I don’t always practice what you preach. However, it’s just as important to make certain you are emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy because if you don’t no one else will.