My Dating Journey As A Newly Out Bisexual Male

The day had come, I was finally ready to be “OUT and Proud,” but I didn’t know quite how to do it. It took a little less than a year before I knew I was finally ready for the big day. I became increasingly excited for the day when I would finally be free to live my truth. What excited me most was how my dating life would change and grow because I would now be adding men into the pool of eligibility.

To be honest, my dating life has never been what I would call active. It’s not that I never wanted to date, but that I have always had an extremely hard time finding someone willing to spend time with me. This has been a major source of frustration for me since my teens. I was always told, and now believe that I was very attractive when I was in my teens and twenties, but I had self esteem issues and I attended a very small private high school with very limited group of girls to pick from.

Additionally, I was apparently to stupid to figure out that if one girl said no that I should probably ask another one. If she said no, I should ask a third, and so on. My standard response to being told no was to have the biggest pity party I could muster. I would tell myself I was no good and that no one would ever want to date me and I would be a virgin until I died.

After my divorce I worked on myself. I lost a great deal of weight. I attended Al-anon for six years because I grew up in an alcoholic home, which helped me to get my head screwed on tightly for the first time in my life. I was no longer emotionally impaired and it felt great. By this point, however, things were different. I was now a divorced full time father of two preteen kids, and we all lived with my parents due to money and childcare issues. Who on earth would want to date me now?

I tried free dating sites with no luck and chose to try the paid site, eHarmony. I filled out the raft of questionnaires paid my money and waited. I really like the site. Because of how it worked you were able to prequalify potential dates without actually having to date them. This was a big plus for me because I didn’t have much money and dating is expensive in a heteronormative society.  

I really enjoyed getting to know women on line. However, it wasn’t long before it became frustrating. Many of the matches I found attractive and suitable enough to start the process of getting to know would never responded. By this point in my life I had come to realize that dating was a numbers game and you needed a ton of “No’s” but only one “Yes.” All I had to do was keep playing the game and eventually I would find the woman of my dreams.

Because of my time in the Al-anon program I was able to quickly weed out women who were emotionally impaired and co-dependent like I had once been. I had made up my mind that I had one bad marriage and would rather be single for the rest of my life than to have another one. I also had to be very careful because I was no longer picking someone for just me, I had to take my kids into consideration also. I had watched a video made by the founder of eHarmony in which he said the main reason he made the site is because of the damaging effects on children when their parents went from one relationship (good or bad) to another.

Eventually I began to see a pattern and my frustrations grew. Why were the only women who were interested in me clearly still not over their previous marriage and obviously incapable of being in a new and healthy relationship? In the three plus years I was on the site, I had been matched to 632 women. Of those 632 matches 58 of them made it passed the 4 predetermined set of questions designed to help you get to know each other better before you chose to begin emailing each other. Of those 58 women, I ended up going on 4 first dates, 2 of which never saw a second date, and the final two turned into very short term relationships.

I finally gave up and decided it wasn’t cost effective based on the return I was experiencing. In the many years since then I have only dated one other woman, who I met through my church. We dated for just over two years, but I should have cut my losses long before then. I believe I was hanging on trying to make it work because I was out of prospects.

So by now you should be able to see why, at 52 years old with two young adult children, I was so thrilled to be adding men into the realm of dating possibilities. After all, the pool of eligible women, who I found suitable, had dried up years ago.

The first thing I did was to start looking for dating site who catered to bisexuals only, and that was a bust. There were sites who did cater to bisexuals, but it seemed to be sort of an afterthought, but I joined anyway. What I discovered was any straight women I messaged, and presumably had settings on their profile to be matched with bisexual males, would ghost me as soon as I clarified the fact I was bisexual. (Apparently, I am one of the few people who actually reads a profile before I choose to email someone.)

The second type of woman on this site was the female version of myself. They too were bisexual and mostly interested in a same sex matches. That left me with bisexual or gay males, which was fine with me. I soon realized the ratio of bisexual men to gay men was almost non-existent. I found 25 to 30 gay men for every bisexual male on the site.

Now, at the risk of sounding shallow, looks do play a part in attraction. I realize I am no longer a 25-year-old, who is six foot four and weighs 190 lbs with thick blonde hair and deep blue eyes. However, I still need to find someone I am attracted to physically. Of course, I would love dating an Adonis, but I am also realistic and emailed men who I was attracted to with dad bods like myself.

The first gay man I messaged was just what the doctor ordered! I nearly fainted when he responded to my email and was actually interested in me. The reason I was so baffled was because I had posted very recent photos of myself complete with full body shots, so he knew I no longer weighed 190lbs.

We emailed back and forth for a day or two and something told me I needed to be certain he was ok with me being bisexual because he had yet to say anything about it. As I held my breath, I sent him an email explaining that I was a fulltime single dad, who for financial reasons had to live with my parents, and by the way, did you notice I am bisexual and not gay when you read my profile?

I hit send and waited. It seemed like an eternity. I figured he would say thanks but no thanks because he was a highly successful interior designer in town and I was this guy with two kids who needed to live with his parents to make ends meet. It didn’t take long for him to respond. It took all I had to make myself open that email. At first I thought things were going well. He thanked me for being open and honest. He also said, he didn’t have a problem with my kids or the fact that we currently lived with my parents. Then the “but” came. He said, “But, I am not ok with the fact that you are Bisexual.” My heart sank, it felt like I had somehow contracted the plague, or that I had told him I was a member of a cult.

I would have understood if he had said it was because I had kids, or that I wasn’t financially sound. Those reasons would have made sense to me. Being rejected for something you have absolutely zero control over cuts deeply into your heart. I licked my wounds for a day or two but got back at it. I was determined not to fall into the same trap I had in high school.

To my surprise there were many gay men that were interested and emailed me back. I can’t tell you how awesome and uplifting it feels when someone responds to your email after seeing your pictures and reading your profile. Not to mention these were men who I found attractive also, I could hardly believe it. After feeling worthless for so long, I was finally walking on cloud nine.

In each case, everything was wonderful until the “B” word came up. I have been told by many people that I shouldn’t say anything about it if the other person doesn’t bring it up, or to even change my profile from bisexual to gay. I will never do either of these things for several reasons. The first being, to keep quite about my bisexuality in the beginning and start dating someone in the hopes everything will be sweetness and light when they discover I’m not actually gay, would be a very foolish thing indeed. Not only would I be setting myself and him up for heart break, it would be an epic waist of time for both of us. Secondly, I am adamant about being completely open and honest from the very beginning of a relationship. Honesty is paramount to a long and healthy relationship. How can I ever expect to have a truly open and honest relationship or marriage if I start out by not being completely truthful or by being an out and out liar? Finally, and most importantly why would I ever want to be in any relationship that required me to erase who I truly am? I suppose things would be much less frustrating for me if I was just looking for hook ups or friends with benefits, or was far less picky. While that is perfectly fine for many people it isn’t for me. I am looking, and long for, the intimacy (not just the sex) of a long term relationship or marriage.

Eventually even the pool with all of the gay men dried up on that site. So what was my next step? I guessed I would need to break down and use a dating app. I had heard so many horror stories about these apps that I proceeded cautiously. After researching several apps online, I knew I wasn’t interested any of the popular ones that end with an “R,” given they all seemed to be shallow hook up sites.

I was able to find a app with a lower profile than the ones ending in “R.” I chose to pay for a 3-month trial and it seemed to be working out well for the first week or two. Since this app wasn’t widely known there weren’t as many men as would likely be on the other sites. Once again I found the same thing. Men who were only interested in me when they thought I was gay. As luck would have it I did find one gay man who contacted me after I had sent him a like. I told him I was bisexual in the first sentence of the first email I sent him. He was polite, yet reserved about it, but at least he gave me a chance. After our discussion he decided it would be ok and we messaged back and forth for a few days. His profile said he liked games, so I asked if he had ever played Cribbage. He said once a long time ago. I asked if we could meet and I could teach him once my pain doctor released me to go back to work. He said, he would really like that.

I didn’t want to seem needy so I would send him a message each week to update him on my status. He never responded, and I didn’t think too much about it. In about a month I was feeling well enough that I thought I would be able to meet him for the first time. You guessed it, Ghosted again!

I figured it was for the best because he obviously had reservations about me for some reason. He may even have started dating someone else. The one thing that bothered me was he didn’t have enough respect for me to say, “Hey, I changed my mind.” Or, “I started dating someone.” I realize those aren’t easy messages to send, however, we are all adults and its going to happen.

At this point I am thinking to myself, “Where do all these stereotypes about being greedy, slutty, indecisive, and having twice as many people to pick from because we are bisexual, come from?” More to the point, now that I am an out bisexual; straight women won’t touch me with a ten-foot pole, bisexual women seem to only be looking for same sex relationships, bisexual men are as scarce as aliens and unicorns, and gay men who are looking to date seem to think bisexual men are God knows what, but at the very least un-dateable. Furthermore, once you have gone through all of the eligible men on the app I was using, the only thing left for you to do is fend off hackers and cat-fishers. UGH!

I will not be broken down and discouraged by all of this mess. I will find someone to date! Ok, the one hope I have left is meeting someone in real life. I figured the best chance I had was to going a gay men’s group in my metro. At the very least I might actually make a friend or two. I would have liked to have joined a group for bisexual men but there are none. (More on this topic in a future post.)

Thankfully I was able to find a wonderful, inclusive, and accepting group of gay men who took me in and love and accept me for who I am. This group is awesome, most of the men are between 30 and 50-ish. I began attending their weekly Saturday Morning Coffee meet-ups. It is a large group and I have met many great guys some of whom are quickly becoming friends.  This is wonderful because I have only had one true friend and he died a long time ago. I am truly thankful for these men who make a conscious effort to include me on a weekly basis. It started out as coffee, and has grown from that to coffee and lunch, and on to Thursday night volleyball. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, there is one small problem with these men. They all seem to either be in a relationship, or I’m old enough to be their father. (Don’t bring out the, “Well you could be their Daddy,” line because I already have two kids and I am not going there.)

I don’t want you to think I am just a Negative Nancy, who bitches all the time. This is just how my story unfolded for me. It is my wish for any single bisexual male who reads this to feel a sense of hope. Because there is hope, and I am proof. I struggled for years and finally found friendship, love, and acceptance from a group of wonderful men. I am so very excited to have found this group, and look forward to the many friends I will make. If I never find anyone to date and eventually fall in love with, I am totally ok with that. My life is already more full because this group, and I couldn’t be happier. Will I ever stop looking for my soul mate? Not likely, but at least I won’t have to walk that road alone and depressed anymore.