For a multitude of reasons, I have spent my life with the distinct feeling that I am not enough. As a child growing up with an alcoholic parent, who “spanked” me until I was fourteen, in addition to some verbal abuse, fostered within my soul a bottomless pit of worthlessness. As you may well have imagined, my lack of self esteem was evident in my personality, combined with being the principal’s kid made me both a target and an easy mark for every bully at school. This meant on any given day I was sporting at least one physical bruise somewhere on my body, and even more unseen emotional bruises in my mind. All of this merely reinforced my lack of self esteem and feelings of worthlessness.
Additionally, I struggled in school, which meant nightly arguments at the dining room table, where I would be told I must be lazy because I was certainly very intelligent, and if I didn’t get my act together I would be sent to public school. As you can imagine, I didn’t do well in college either, by which time I began to suffer from depression and anxiety. I dropped out of school and began taking one job after another. Some jobs I left before I got fired and some jobs I didn’t get that lucky.
Age fourteen is when I began to experience same sex attraction, which was extremely confusing because I still liked girls too. Given both of my parents worked for the church, I had been raised to believe homosexuality was a sin that got you a one-way ticket to Hell. Now, God didn’t even like me. At this point I couldn’t handle anyone else telling me I wasn’t good enough, it was already too much to deal with emotionally. In order to cope I just stuffed my feelings towards men deep down inside of me as a last ditch effort at self preservation. God was supposed to love everybody but the bible said differently, because of my same sex attractions, and that was more than my fragile self esteem could take.
Age fourteen is when I began to experience same sex attraction, which was extremely confusing because I still liked girls too. Given both of my parents worked for the church, I had been raised to believe homosexuality was a sin that got you a one-way ticket to Hell. Now, God didn’t even like me. At this point I couldn’t handle anyone else telling me I wasn’t good enough, it was already too much to deal with emotionally. In order to cope I just stuffed my feelings towards men deep down inside of me as a last ditch effort at self preservation. God was supposed to love everybody but the bible said differently, because of my same sex attractions, and that was more than my fragile self esteem could take.
I knew deep down inside I was no good, but I couldn’t let anyone else know. Subconsciously I started to do things that would hide how I really felt inside. I began to make certain I was always impeccably dressed and groomed, even if I was only going to the grocery store. If I heard my mother say it once, I heard her say it a hundred times, “You aren’t going to a fashion show.” It didn’t matter to me though because I was hiding who I thought I really was. I never had one hair out of place and my clothes were always crisply starched. Not to mention, I was usually overdressed when I showed up anywhere. But that wasn’t enough. I would show up 45 minutes early and sit in the parking lot for fear I might be one minute late. Once, I ran out of gas on a major street just off my college campus and people I knew drove by pointing and laughing. To this day, thirty-five years later, I nearly have a panic attack if my gas gauge reads less than a half tank.
The point I am trying to make is this chronic need to hide the fact that I am truly less than, has completely consumed my life. It didn’t make a difference how many times people told me I was handsome, or complemented me on how nice I looked, or how beautifully I sang, I never believed them because I knew the truth deep down. Eventually, I was able to get my life together enough to hold down a good job, and anyone looking at me would have thought I was a good looking, confident young man who was really good at his job. I, however, was still comparing my insides to everyone else’s outsides. At one point my depression and anxiety got so bad I began to contemplate suicide. This scared me enough to start counseling.
Eventually, and much to my shock, I met the most beautiful woman in the world, and for reasons only God knows, she fell in love with me. I told everyone who would listen, “I don’t know what she sees in me.” It took all of ten seconds for me to fall madly in love with her. For the first time in my entire life I felt like I was enough. I don’t think my feet touched the ground for the first two weeks after we met. In my ignorance, I thought the reason everything was going so wonderfully was that God had sent me the woman I was to marry and that’s why I no longer felt lonely and worthless. I would eventually learn otherwise.
Eventually, and much to my shock, I met the most beautiful woman in the world, and for reasons only God knows, she fell in love with me. I told everyone who would listen, “I don’t know what she sees in me.” It took all of ten seconds for me to fall madly in love with her. For the first time in my entire life I felt like I was enough. I don’t think my feet touched the ground for the first two weeks after we met. In my ignorance, I thought the reason everything was going so wonderfully was that God had sent me the woman I was to marry and that’s why I no longer felt lonely and worthless. I would eventually learn otherwise.
Shortly before I met my wife, I had discovered I had a vison problem called Irlen Syndrome. The symptoms are the same as with dyslexia, but it is caused by a muscular issue instead. I began wearing corrective lenses and a whole new world opened up to me. The woman who tested and diagnosed me asked me if I knew what my IQ was. I said I didn’t and asked why that mattered. She told me I wasn’t the typical person that came to the clinic. She said, you are well dressed, you have a good job, and you have a confident personality. Most people with this syndrome are the exact opposite of what I was. She then said, “Furthermore, you didn’t graduate from High School by doing math problems, and you certainly didn’t from reading textbooks and turning in homework, so the only way you could possibly have made it through High School is by listening in class. If that’s the case, you are most definitely very smart.”
Eventually, I was tested and found out I have a very high IQ. About that same time, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, and things started making sense to me. I began taking medication and felt normal for the first time in my life. It was no wonder I had so many problems in school, given my vision problem and my inability to concentrate on my school work, compounded by the fact I was being bullied at school and at home. All of this new information started to chip away at my low self esteem, and eventually, I began to start feeling that I was indeed enough. I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world, we lived in a big two story house in a very nice neighborhood, we had a luxury car in the driveway, and our first child was on the way. My brother even jokingly called us, Ken and Barbie.
Eventually, I was tested and found out I have a very high IQ. About that same time, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, and things started making sense to me. I began taking medication and felt normal for the first time in my life. It was no wonder I had so many problems in school, given my vision problem and my inability to concentrate on my school work, compounded by the fact I was being bullied at school and at home. All of this new information started to chip away at my low self esteem, and eventually, I began to start feeling that I was indeed enough. I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world, we lived in a big two story house in a very nice neighborhood, we had a luxury car in the driveway, and our first child was on the way. My brother even jokingly called us, Ken and Barbie.
Unfortunately, just about the time things seemed like they were finally going in the right direction, my relationship with my wife started to change. She began to verbally abuse me, due to some major mental health issues I was unaware she had when we met. It didn’t take very long for all of the old feelings of inadequacy and loneliness to come rushing back with a vengeance. What I would eventually realize is the hole in my life I thought God had filled for me wasn’t that at all. What really happened is I became codependent and my self worth relied solely on my wife’s love and acceptance. Once she wasn’t doing that any longer I was in big trouble emotionally. Furthermore, it was even worse than before when it came to feeling not enough.
Of course, I assumed I was at fault for the way my wife treated me, so I tried in vein to change in order to fix things between us. The harder I tried the more unhappy with me she became and the worse things got. Shortly after our second child was born I finally realized it wasn’t my fault at all, and furthermore, it would never get any better. When I walked out the front door, I was inches from an emotional breakdown. Because my wife made two thirds of our combined income, I had no choice but to move back in with my parents.
One would assume moving back home would be a good thing when you are at your lowest point of your life because it is the safest place to be. In my case, it wasn’t because of the alcoholic that lived there. Years later, I realized it was truly a blessing in disguise. At the time it felt like I had jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Even though I was an adult male with two children of my own, I was still being treated like I was twelve years old. It felt like I had stepped out of a time machine. The physical abuse wasn’t an issue any longer but the emotional abuse had risen to heights I didn’t realize were even possible. The reality of the situation was I had actually made my situation worse because now I was being verbally abused by multiple people. Additionally, my ex wife was doing everything possible to get our kids all to herself, and nothing was beneath her. She even got child protective services to investigate me for sexual abuse of my two-year-old son. Luckily, they eventually saw through her lies.
Looking back, I must have subconsciously thought I had brought this all on myself because I was the most “less than” person I knew. Thankfully, I was wise enough to once again seek counseling. It took six years of monthly visits to the counselor, in addition to weekly Al-anon meetings to dig myself out of the emotional cesspool I had be swimming in for years.
This is where I realized what a blessing in disguise moving back home again was. I hadn’t hit bottom; I had slapped it with great force. Which is what it took for me to get the right kind of help I needed. Surprisingly enough, the Al-anon meetings helped me get passed my issues with my ex wife at the same time as it helped me deal with the alcoholic in my life. The most important lesson I learned there was that I had not caused, nor could I control, or cure the alcoholic, their alcoholism, and the abuse I had suffered from them and my ex wife, however, I did have the power to change the way I viewed and responded to it, by setting boundaries for what I was willing to accept when it came to the treatment of me.
Furthermore, I learned the only opinion that mattered when it came to me, was mine. This also made a huge difference in my life because for the first time my self worth was no longer dependent on anyone but me. The whole process of recovery was long and hard but certainly worth every part of the six-year struggle. To be clear, my struggles still existed, and always will, I now am able to deal with them from a place of strong emotional health.
All of this went a very long way to help me feel as though I was no longer some how less than, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet. The one good thing that seemed to stay constant in all of this was my career. I was very proud of the fact that I was highly regarded for the quality of the work I did, and my integrity. I eventually got job with a good company and I began to rise up the corporate latter. I was able to return to school at night and was carrying a 3.6 GPA while doing it.
Even though I had experienced some really awful things in my life I was actually beginning to feel almost enough. I was at a point where I was poised for a management position and was encouraged to move forward. No matter how many times I bid for a promotion within my company I was always passed over. Twice I was passed over for the manager’s position at the account I worked at. The really frustrating part of the whole thing was the reason the position came open was because the previous manager had been fired because they were not performing their duties. In each case as the assistant I was the one doing my job as well as theirs to keep everything afloat at the account. Yet in each case they hired someone who was just as inept as the person they fired. I kept being told, “It’s not you, just keep trying.” Over the course of 17 years I was either passed over or denied promotions at other accounts no less than nine times. Even though my yearly reviews were stellar, and I completed every training program meant for up and coming employees headed for a management position with very high marks, I kept being passed over. You can only hear, “Really, its not you.” So many times before you begin to think, “Yeah right, tell me another one.” Slowly but surely, my feelings of not being enough and not understanding why began to creep back into my life. It was during this time my ex wife died from breast cancer and my two children moved into my parent’s home to live with us. Thankfully, I had already grown emotionally because of the counseling and help and recovery I had received through Al-anon or things would have been much worse.
About 4 and a half years ago, I read an online article about the instances of homosexuality and bisexuality among people with Attention Deficit Disorder, and my eyes were once again opened to my same sex attraction. I have written in great detail of my spiritual struggles regarding this time in a previous blog post. Suffice it to say, it was a huge step backwards in my ongoing struggle of feeling less than. Eventually, with God’s help, I was once again able to crawl out of self doubt and pity until, in my own eyes I no longer felt less than. More importantly I learned God didn’t view me that way either.
It would be wonderful if this were the end of the story. Truth be told, for the most part, on any given day, I no longer feel less than. I do, however, feel different than the rest of the world. It doesn’t matter whether that world is single or partnered, straight or queer, religious or secular, or where the other person’s political views lie, I just don’t feel like I totally fit in anywhere
I had hoped, now that I live mostly out, that I would finally lose the feelings of not fitting in. I do feel loved and accepted by all the new friends I have made in the local gay men’s group I am a member of, a fact for which I am very grateful. That said, I still feel like I am outside looking in. To be honest, it takes everything I have not to scream at the top of my lungs, “What about me?! Why can’t I be part of your group?”
The fact of the matter is bisexuality is inherently “Other,” given the non-binary nature of it, to begin with. I am glad beyond words the queer community is banding together for our trans brothers and sisters, but it feels like bisexuals without the plus next to them have just been stepped over. Its bad enough to be bisexual, but being male and bisexual brings another entire layer of invisibility to things. I believe the major factor causing the general feelings of “Less Than” in the bisexual community is that most of us are hiding in plain sight. It’s a numbers game really. Given such a small percentage of the world population is queer, there is a far better chance to meet and fall in love with a person of the opposite sex than there is of the same sex. Additionally, for me at least, there is one more layer to this feeling of less than, and it is that I am not only single but I am also divorced. You would think that shouldn’t be a big issue, but it is. By choice, I am very picky about who I will date. After one failed relationship, and all of the work it took to dig myself out of the ashes, I have no earthly desire to walk that road again. I would rather be single the rest of my life than live through a second bad relationship.
It would be wonderful if this were the end of the story. Truth be told, for the most part, on any given day, I no longer feel less than. I do, however, feel different than the rest of the world. It doesn’t matter whether that world is single or partnered, straight or queer, religious or secular, or where the other person’s political views lie, I just don’t feel like I totally fit in anywhere
I had hoped, now that I live mostly out, that I would finally lose the feelings of not fitting in. I do feel loved and accepted by all the new friends I have made in the local gay men’s group I am a member of, a fact for which I am very grateful. That said, I still feel like I am outside looking in. To be honest, it takes everything I have not to scream at the top of my lungs, “What about me?! Why can’t I be part of your group?”
The fact of the matter is bisexuality is inherently “Other,” given the non-binary nature of it, to begin with. I am glad beyond words the queer community is banding together for our trans brothers and sisters, but it feels like bisexuals without the plus next to them have just been stepped over. Its bad enough to be bisexual, but being male and bisexual brings another entire layer of invisibility to things. I believe the major factor causing the general feelings of “Less Than” in the bisexual community is that most of us are hiding in plain sight. It’s a numbers game really. Given such a small percentage of the world population is queer, there is a far better chance to meet and fall in love with a person of the opposite sex than there is of the same sex. Additionally, for me at least, there is one more layer to this feeling of less than, and it is that I am not only single but I am also divorced. You would think that shouldn’t be a big issue, but it is. By choice, I am very picky about who I will date. After one failed relationship, and all of the work it took to dig myself out of the ashes, I have no earthly desire to walk that road again. I would rather be single the rest of my life than live through a second bad relationship.
Being in my early 50s now, most people in my age range, queer or straight, are already in long term relationships. Many of those who were in long term relationships that have ended in divorce, or what would have been divorce had they been able to be married, are as I once was, emotionally handicapped because they don’t realize they don’t need help in the first place and because of this haven’t worked through their issues. This means the dating pool is very narrow at best, so I should have been really excited when I discovered my bisexuality because it would greatly increase my chances to find someone. Well, I thought so too, but we were both wrong.
The group of emotionally stable, straight single women gets even smaller once they find out you are bisexual, because even if they say they are ok with it they never really are. Everything will be great for a little while and all of a sudden, I’m ghosted again. So I thought well let’s try a dating site that caters to bisexuals. The bisexual women on these sites all seem to be interested only in other women. The bisexual men on the site all seem to be married and looking for someone willing to be their side piece so they can stay married to their wife and get their same sex attraction itch scratched at the same time. Which is frankly a dumpster fire waiting to happen, so that only leaves gay men.
Ok, so there still shouldn’t be a problem then, right? One again would think, but I found out differently. If you are out and bisexual, you have no doubt experienced your fair share of phobia and erasure from the queer community. Which, isn’t too big of a problem providing you are only looking for a hook up. Gay men, as a general rule, tend not to care too much who they sleep with. However, things change drastically when it comes to finding a life partner. Then you turn into one of those un-dateable bisexuals, who can’t be trusted not to cheat, or who hasn’t dealt with the fact they are really gay and can’t admit it yet.
Ok, so there still shouldn’t be a problem then, right? One again would think, but I found out differently. If you are out and bisexual, you have no doubt experienced your fair share of phobia and erasure from the queer community. Which, isn’t too big of a problem providing you are only looking for a hook up. Gay men, as a general rule, tend not to care too much who they sleep with. However, things change drastically when it comes to finding a life partner. Then you turn into one of those un-dateable bisexuals, who can’t be trusted not to cheat, or who hasn’t dealt with the fact they are really gay and can’t admit it yet.
So, in the end, it looks like we have only managed to circle back to where we started from. Feeling, if not less than, at least feeling different and alone and separated from the rest of the world. The important lessons I have learned are that problems will always be around, so you had better figure out how to deal with them in a healthy way. After which, you just have to keep living your life taking it one day at a time trusting God has your back, and knowing you are at the exact point in your life that He wants you to be in and that is the best that any of us can hope for. Will I ever be enough, or is this as close as I will ever be?
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