Triggered Societies Are Weak Societies

I’ve recently read articles in several British newspapers that Manchester University and now Oxford University have banned clapping as a form of applause because it “could be” triggering to students with anxiety, in favor of BSL (British Sign Language) applause of Jazz hands. The first time I read it I thought, “REALLY! Clapping as a form of applause has been used for centuries. How on earth did people with anxiety ever survive before now?” 

Don’t get me wrong, there is both a time and a place where warnings are acceptable and needed. For example, graphic or violent content warnings are important to parents with young children or for any adult that does not wish to subject themselves to such things. That being said, just exactly when is enough, enough?

Every time someone shouts they are being triggered by something that causes them dicomfort I think about the story of the little boy who witnessed a butterfly trying to free itself from a cocoon. The boy felt sorry for the butterfly so he reached down and tore the cocoon apart freeing the butterfly. Much to his dismay the butterfly died in front of him. What the boy had not realized was that in the process of struggling to free itself, is what strengthened its cardiovascular system and the muscles required to flap its wings. Because the boy wanted to remove what he perceived to be a great difficulty from the butterfly he weakened it so much he caused it’s death.

Most experienced parents will tell you the worst thing you can do for your children is to remove all obstacles from their lives. The truth of the matter is that life isn’t easy. Just as the butterfly needs to struggle to free itself, our children need to experience some of life’s hardships early on in life so when they become young adults they wont wither and die at the first obstacle they experience.

As I have written before, my father was the principle at the school I attended, I was verbally and physically abused, to the point of being bruised, on a daily basis. More often than not, I came home in tears. My father possessed the power to stop the abuse, but instead he and my mother chose to help me deal with it on my own. They explained to me why I was singled out, and helped me to understand I wasn’t a bad person at all. In all reality it was the bullies who had issues and they picked on me to feel better about themselves.  At the time it was a hard pill to swallow but in the long run it strengthened my resolve and made me the adult I am today.

Had my father stepped in and removed all of that pain from my life I wouldn’t have been prepared for life as an adult. Many years later I was a supervisor. I had an employee who was verbally abusing me in front of other employees and clients. If that wasn’t enough, not only did my manager allow her to treat me this way, he laughed about it and joined in which not only encouraged other employees to join in but gave them permission to do so.

I was ready for this because I had learned how to cope as a child and young adult. When I asked my boss step in to stop the abuse he did nothing, and it actually got worse. I could have quit or had a nervous breakdown, but my parents had allowed me to break free of my cocoon on my own so I was ready for this fight. Once I realized my boss wasn’t going to deal with this issue, I began to document each incident with dates, times, and a full accounting of what had transpired. I knew if I went to HR with one incident nothing would happen, but if I had enough documentation my boss and the employees who were verbally abusing me wouldn’t be able to talk their way out of multiple incidences, and I was right. I documented things for nearly three weeks, and emailed twelve pages of documentation to HR.  While I wouldn’t wish my childhood on anyone I wouldn’t do it over again for anything. My experiences are what make me the strong human being I am today.

There are many other stories I could share about growing up with undiagnosed ADD, Depression, and Anxiety. I could also tell you about the time things got so bad I contemplated suicide. While I was most definitely triggered at the time, I never called it that, and I most certainly never expected anyone else to remove the hurdles making my life more difficult. I chose to strengthen my resolve and jump those hurdles myself.

Now let’s get back to Manchester University and Oxford wanting to help their anxiety ridden student body. Don’t you think their energy would be better spent by offering mental health services to students who are so anxiety filled they can’t handle being in a room full of clapping people? Helping those student deal with their anxiety will better serve them over their lifetime. 

Both my son and I experience anxiety to differing degrees. One of the excellent workbooks our counselor gave us to help with anxiety prescribed exercises that help us work through our anxiety rather than removing the thing that caused it in the first place. Doesn’t that make more sense anyway. Training yourself how to slay your own dragons, rather than expecting someone else to keep you out of harms way in the first place?

There is a flip side to all of this. Let’s look at the benefits of applause itself. All of my life I have performed in one way or another. I am a thespian, I was also in band and choir and have carried on doing those things as an adult as well. The first play I was in when I was in 5^th grade was performed for grades K through 8. It was very scary to get up in front of gym full of students at such a young age. The only thing that kept me going back was remembering the applause from the previous performance. As a performer I can tell you applause it like a drug. Replacing it with Jazz hands does a huge disservice to the performers, and we crave it. If you take that huge incentive of  applause out of elementary and high school, and colleges and universities, how then do you ever expect to attend the Symphony, or a Broadway play? Applause it what performer use to overcome our performance anxiety.

As an adult I performed Messiah in my metro’s Performing Arts Center several years in a row. There are simply no words to describe the feeling I got when the packed house erupted with applause. I don’t know about anyone else but you could have scraped me off the ceiling. I’m sorry but jazz hands aren’t going to cut it with me.

Life has and always and will always suck, there is no getting around it. The best life skill you can have is learning to deal with difficult times on your own. I am not saying society shouldn’t be cognoscente of bullying, harassment, terroristic and phobic behavior, far from it. I believe those things are worthy and deserving of attention and effort to remove from society. That being said, there is a line which we as a society should mark and not cross. If you are so triggered by applause that it puts you in such an anxiety ridden state, the likelihood you would attend an event where the possibility of such outbursts are common, is slim indeed. Why should the performers be punished because the university worried you might attend and may be triggered? In the end, it is no different than me saying, “I shouldn’t have to read articles about students who are so triggered they can’t attend class and are requesting comfort dogs to help them deal with the fact the presidential candidate they supported didn’t win, or being triggered or offended by being called a snowflake.” I can only imagine the names I would be called if I chose to say such things.

In closing, the best way to meet your anxiety is head on with the help of a therapist. So remember the old quote, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me.” Don’t expect everyone in society to to walk on eggshells so you don’t have to deal with life like everyone else.

Standing Up For Yourself And The LGBTQ+ Community And Staying Safe At The Same Time

I recently quit my job to enroll in a four-month job retraining program. Having been at the same company for 17 years, I had chosen to stay closeted after I came out to myself, and this brought me some pause. My emotions ranged widely as if I were riding a rollercoaster. One day I was certain I would need to live out and proud, then a few hours later I would second guess my stand because I realized how unsafe that choice may actually be. Furthermore, I felt as though I wouldn’t be “walking the talk” I had so adamantly preached about in many of my previous blog posts.

As time went on I had resigned myself to being closeted at work because I didn’t want to take any chance that being part of the LGBTQ+ crowd might in some way hinder advancement in my new chosen career. After all, I just took out a very large student loan and exerted a great deal of effort to improve my situation, it made no sense whatsoever to hinder it in any way. This went on to me feeling helpless, once again, in addition to heightening my feelings of “less-than-ness” and my “otherness.” My whole life I have spent being like so much cloth, twisting at the whim of any breeze that passed me by. I thought things would have been somehow different now that for the first time in my life, I am experiencing a sense of belonging accompanied with life purpose, and finally realizing my new found Bisexual super powers. So why has nothing changed? Why do I feel just as shackled and benign as I’ve always been?

I count myself lucky in that I had grown up in great denial of my own Bisexuality, not discovering it until my late 40s. I feel like I dodged the huge bullet of mental health issues caused by growing up, out as LGBTQ+ in a religious family. I had enough other mental health issues of my own, causing me to contemplate ending my life once, having had this added on to it would surely have pushed me over the edge. Now, the same old feelings of “less-than-ness” and “otherness” are coming back with a vengeance. This time, however, I don’t know how to combat them without risking my safety.

My safety is very important to me. Having grown up as the principal’s kid and being picked on and punched daily for most of my school career, I decided I would cope with these feelings rather than risking my safety, or that of others, should it ever become an issue.

My most recent feelings of “otherness” and “less-than-ness” cropped up during a lunch break a few months ago when several of my classmates started expressing their much less than appropriate views regarding the transgender community. It was apparent to me, another classmate found this hate speech terrifying, based on the fact they were staring straight ahead not moving a muscle. The hate I felt was palpable and it wasn’t even being directed at me. I can’t begin to imagine what it must have been like for my classmate.

At the time I chose not to say anything because I was afraid for the safety of this person. Because I am mostly straight passing and my classmate is less so, I didn’t want those spewing hate to assume my classmate had spoken to someone at school and then gang up on them because of it. I would have felt awful, if I had been the cause of any repercussions they may have had to suffer had I brought this to the school’s attention. I did, however, speak to someone I trusted about the incident. They knew the parties involved, and together we decided it was wise of me to not say anything, for fear of retaliation. If it happened again, however, we both agreed I would definitely need to speak to someone about it. 

Luckily it didn’t happen again for a very long time, and the classmate I spoke of earlier had not been present this time. Once again, I chose to stay silent because I am strong enough to deal with it and we were nearing the end of the program. As you may have guessed, by this point I have realized the best course of action is to deal with these things on a case-by-case basis. It is also important to weigh the safety risks heavily, for all involved, before choosing to say something.

I thought, because we were so near graduation, I wouldn’t have to deal with it again, and patted myself on the back for correctly choosing my battles. It turned out, I wasn’t as lucky as I had hoped to be. Just after lunch, the day before graduation, four students began openly sharing their disgust towards the transgender community. This time, it was so bad the person I spoke of earlier was no longer able to stay silent and started sticking up for the trans community, and things got heated very quickly. (If I had to guess, I would say this classmate is a fully transitioned F2M trans person.) Things got so bad I decided I needed to leave because the level of my anger had risen to a place where I would no longer be able to stay silent. I also feared I might say things I would regret if I didn’t leave.

As I gathered my things to leave I noticed the instructor. He was sitting at his desk, listening to music with his headphones. (Technically class had not yet started again, but regardless of that, he should not have been listening to music with headphones, but been focusing on his classroom. That however, is an additional unrelated issue.) Had he been more alert to what was happening in his class he could have stopped things before they got way out of hand.

Right before I left, as I was watching the other student defending trans people, I heard the following from my other classmates:

(Spoken in a harsh tone) “Anyone who thinks they are transgender, is mentally ill. IT’S JUST NOT NORMAL.”

“Yeah man, that’s gay as AIDS!”

“It’s totally disgusting.”

After I got myself to the room we were all to meet in shortly, I told myself, “Tomorrow is graduation, keep your mouth shut so as not to cause any more tension that could negatively effect the group presentation. You can say something afterwards.”

I knew I was right, but it really pissed me off! I kept myself calm until after the group presentation during our graduation the following day, but that is were it stopped. I had decided now was the time I would be able to speak up without fear of putting myself or someone else in an unsafe situation. Furthermore, the school needed to know about the instructor’s inactions in regard to the issue, as well as others not mentioned.

The school requires each student to complete a standard survey in class at the end of each week.  The survey is anonymous to allow students to say what needs to be said without any fear of repercussions by students or instructors. I had already planned on giving them an earful about the instructor anyway, so adding this wouldn’t be any problem as far as I was concerned.  Given I would have already graduated by the time the instructor saw what I wrote, I no longer cared that he would be able to tell it was me who had dropped a dime on him anyway. The school has asked its students their opinion of each instructor to make certain said instructors is doing a good job. If no one tells the school their instructors have issues they can only assume everything is fine. This makes it even more important that I let the school know what was going on.

This doesn’t mean, however, I can put the instructor on blast. Nor can I say hateful or untrue things about him just because I don’t like him. In order to be certain I handled this in as professional a manner as possible, I wrote out what I planned to say, then left it over night and re-read it again. I also asked another person to read what I had written to be certain the tone of what I had penned was appropriate, and I wasn’t slinging any mud or being unfair to the instructor. Once I was satisfied everything was in order I emailed student services. They replied promptly, and were very apologetic about the whole thing. They also told me the instructor’s supervisor had been notified, as well.

I now feel so much better about myself and my situation. I was not only able to stand up for myself and the LGBTQ+ community, I was also able to do so, while keeping myself and my classmate safe at the same time. I am very excited I have found a way to do both and I no longer have to feel helpless, less-than or other.

This situation puts me in mind of a lesson I learned from a former pastor of mine. Most Christians have heard about Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, in which he talks about turning the other cheek. I am embarrassed to say I was in my mid 30s before I understood the meaning of this teaching. (Especially since I had grown up with parents who worked for the church and I had been educated and graduated in church schools myself.)

In the three stories Jesus gave us examples of how we should act as Christians, when being mistreated. I had always wrongfully thought Christ wanted us to peacefully take any mistreatment we were given and not to fight back. But that couldn’t be further from the truth because there is a much deeper meaning to turning the other cheek. The only way to truly understand this, however, is to understand Jewish law in Jesus’ day. Once you do, you will realize that Christ has taught us not to take things lying down but to do so in such a way that we bring to light to the wrong doing of the other person.

For example, when Christ said, “If a man should strike his wife, she should turn her cheek and let her husband hit her again,” I always thought this teaching was madness until my Pastor taught me that in Jewish law of the time it was perfectly legal for a husband to strike his wife with the back of his hand. By turning her cheek, the wife would then force her husband to strike her with his open palm, which was highly against Jewish law, thus placing the husband in a great deal of trouble.

Additionally, Christ said, “If a soldier tells you to carry his pack for a mile, carry it for two.” Roman law stated a soldier could legally demand anyone to carry his pack for one mile only. Carrying it for a second mile would bring to light his unjust deed causing punishment to be brought onto the soldier.

Likewise, If someone sued you and took your shirt, you were to give them your cloak as well. In Jesus day, clothing was used as collateral. Therefore, a banker could hold your cloak as collateral during the day if you were unable to pay your debt, however, they were required to return it to you each night in order for you to stay warm as you slept. Once again, all of the things Christ is asking us to do, are ways to spotlight the wrong doings of others so they may be punished for their unjust deeds. The last thing Jesus would ever want for anyone of us would be to allow ourselves to be hurt or taken advantage of.

It is also very important to note that in each of these situations, the person being mistreated never got out of hand themselves. They weren’t even being passive aggressive. All they were doing is living in such a way that their own actions couldn’t be questioned, thus amplifying the wrong doing of others.

When It comes to being an activist for the LGBTQ+ community, and by extension for yourself, make certain you keep yourself safe.  Then and only then, use any policies and procedures in place, be they legal or administrative, to make others in authority aware of your mistreatment. Also, remember to do so in such a way that you are being honest, factual, respectful, and free of malic. As you can see from my example, acting in this way had a very powerful and positive impact and exacted a mighty blow against hate for the LGBTQ+ community, all while keeping us from looking like loud mouthed whiney liberals.

Impostor Syndrome - Will I Ever Be Enough?

For a multitude of reasons, I have spent my life with the distinct feeling that I am not enough. As a child growing up with an alcoholic parent, who “spanked” me until I was fourteen, in addition to some verbal abuse, fostered within my soul a bottomless pit of worthlessness. As you may well have imagined, my lack of self esteem was evident in my personality, combined with being the principal’s kid made me both a target and an easy mark for every bully at school. This meant on any given day I was sporting at least one physical bruise somewhere on my body, and even more unseen emotional bruises in my mind. All of this merely reinforced my lack of self esteem and feelings of worthlessness.

Additionally, I struggled in school, which meant nightly arguments at the dining room table, where I would be told I must be lazy because I was certainly very intelligent, and if I didn’t get my act together I would be sent to public school. As you can imagine, I didn’t do well in college either, by which time I began to suffer from depression and anxiety. I dropped out of school and began taking one job after another. Some jobs I left before I got fired and some jobs I didn’t get that lucky.

Age fourteen is when I began to experience same sex attraction, which was extremely confusing because I still liked girls too. Given both of my parents worked for the church, I had been raised to believe homosexuality was a sin that got you a one-way ticket to Hell. Now, God didn’t even like me. At this point I couldn’t handle anyone else telling me I wasn’t good enough, it was already too much to deal with emotionally. In order to cope I just stuffed my feelings towards men deep down inside of me as a last ditch effort at self preservation. God was supposed to love everybody but the bible said differently, because of my same sex attractions, and that was more than my fragile self esteem could take. 

I knew deep down inside I was no good, but I couldn’t let anyone else know. Subconsciously I started to do things that would hide how I really felt inside. I began to make certain I was always impeccably dressed and groomed, even if I was only going to the grocery store. If I heard my mother say it once, I heard her say it a hundred times, “You aren’t going to a fashion show.” It didn’t matter to me though because I was hiding who I thought I really was. I never had one hair out of place and my clothes were always crisply starched. Not to mention, I was usually overdressed when I showed up anywhere. But that wasn’t enough. I would show up 45 minutes early and sit in the parking lot for fear I might be one minute late. Once, I ran out of gas on a major street just off my college campus and people I knew drove by pointing and laughing. To this day, thirty-five years later, I nearly have a panic attack if my gas gauge reads less than a half tank. 

The point I am trying to make is this chronic need to hide the fact that I am truly less than, has completely consumed my life. It didn’t make a difference how many times people told me I was handsome, or complemented me on how nice I looked, or how beautifully I sang, I never believed them because I knew the truth deep down. Eventually, I was able to get my life together enough to hold down a good job, and anyone looking at me would have thought I was a good looking, confident young man who was really good at his job. I, however, was still comparing my insides to everyone else’s outsides. At one point my depression and anxiety got so bad I began to contemplate suicide. This scared me enough to start counseling.

Eventually, and much to my shock, I met the most beautiful woman in the world, and for reasons only God knows, she fell in love with me. I told everyone who would listen, “I don’t know what she sees in me.” It took all of ten seconds for me to fall madly in love with her. For the first time in my entire life I felt like I was enough. I don’t think my feet touched the ground for the first two weeks after we met. In my ignorance, I thought the reason everything was going so wonderfully was that God had sent me the woman I was to marry and that’s why I no longer felt lonely and worthless. I would eventually learn otherwise.

Shortly before I met my wife, I had discovered I had a vison problem called Irlen Syndrome. The symptoms are the same as with dyslexia, but it is caused by a muscular issue instead. I began wearing corrective lenses and a whole new world opened up to me. The woman who tested and diagnosed me asked me if I knew what my IQ was. I said I didn’t and asked why that mattered. She told me I wasn’t the typical person that came to the clinic. She said, you are well dressed, you have a good job, and you have a confident personality. Most people with this syndrome are the exact opposite of what I was. She then said, “Furthermore, you didn’t graduate from High School by doing math problems, and you certainly didn’t from reading textbooks and turning in homework, so the only way you could possibly have made it through High School is by listening in class. If that’s the case, you are most definitely very smart.”

Eventually, I was tested and found out I have a very high IQ. About that same time, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, and things started making sense to me. I began taking medication and felt normal for the first time in my life. It was no wonder I had so many problems in school, given my vision problem and my inability to concentrate on my school work, compounded by the fact I was being bullied at school and at home. All of this new information started to chip away at my low self esteem, and eventually, I began to start feeling that I was indeed enough. I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world, we lived in a big two story house in a very nice neighborhood, we had a luxury car in the driveway, and our first child was on the way. My brother even jokingly called us, Ken and Barbie.

Unfortunately, just about the time things seemed like they were finally going in the right direction, my relationship with my wife started to change. She began to verbally abuse me, due to some major mental health issues I was unaware she had when we met. It didn’t take very long for all of the old feelings of inadequacy and loneliness to come rushing back with a vengeance. What I would eventually realize is the hole in my life I thought God had filled for me wasn’t that at all. What really happened is I became codependent and my self worth relied solely on my wife’s love and acceptance. Once she wasn’t doing that any longer I was in big trouble emotionally. Furthermore, it was even worse than before when it came to feeling not enough.

Of course, I assumed I was at fault for the way my wife treated me, so I tried in vein to change in order to fix things between us. The harder I tried the more unhappy with me she became and  the worse things got. Shortly after our second child was born I finally realized it wasn’t my fault at all, and furthermore, it would never get any better. When I walked out the front door, I was inches from an emotional breakdown. Because my wife made two thirds of our combined income, I had no choice but to move back in with my parents. 

One would assume moving back home would be a good thing when you are at your lowest point of your life because it is the safest place to be. In my case, it wasn’t because of the alcoholic that lived there. Years later, I realized it was truly a blessing in disguise. At the time it felt like I had jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Even though I was an adult male with two children of my own, I was still being treated like I was twelve years old. It felt like I had stepped out of a time machine. The physical abuse wasn’t an issue any longer but the emotional abuse had risen to heights I didn’t realize were even possible. The reality of the situation was I had actually made my situation worse because now I was being verbally abused by multiple people. Additionally, my ex wife was doing everything possible to get our kids all to herself, and nothing was beneath her. She even got child protective services to investigate me for sexual abuse of my two-year-old son. Luckily, they eventually saw through her lies.

Looking back, I must have subconsciously thought I had brought this all on myself because I was the most “less than” person I knew. Thankfully, I was wise enough to once again seek counseling. It took six years of monthly visits to the counselor, in addition to weekly Al-anon meetings to dig myself out of the emotional cesspool I had be swimming in for years. 

This is where I realized what a blessing in disguise moving back home again was. I hadn’t hit bottom; I had slapped it with great force. Which is what it took for me to get the right kind of help I needed. Surprisingly enough, the Al-anon meetings helped me get passed my issues with my ex wife at the same time as it helped me deal with the alcoholic in my life. The most important lesson I learned there was that I had not caused, nor could I control, or cure the alcoholic, their alcoholism, and the abuse I had suffered from them and my ex wife, however, I did have the power to change the way I viewed and responded to it, by setting boundaries for what I was willing to accept when it came to the treatment of me. 

Furthermore, I learned the only opinion that mattered when it came to me, was mine. This also made a huge difference in my life because for the first time my self worth was no longer dependent on anyone but me. The whole process of recovery was long and hard but certainly worth every part of the six-year struggle. To be clear, my struggles still existed, and always will, I now am able to deal with them from a place of strong emotional health. 

All of this went a very long way to help me feel as though I was no longer some how less than, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet. The one good thing that seemed to stay constant in all of this was my career. I was very proud of the fact that I was highly regarded for the quality of the work I did, and my integrity. I eventually got job with a good company and I began to rise up the corporate latter. I was able to return to school at night and was carrying a 3.6 GPA while doing it.  

Even though I had experienced some really awful things in my life I was actually beginning to feel almost enough. I was at a point where I was poised for a management position and was encouraged to move forward. No matter how many times I bid for a promotion within my company I was always passed over. Twice I was passed over for the manager’s position at the account I worked at. The really frustrating part of the whole thing was the reason the position came open was because the previous manager had been fired because they were not performing their duties. In each case as the assistant I was the one doing my job as well as theirs to keep everything afloat at the account. Yet in each case they hired someone who was just as inept as the person they fired. I kept being told, “It’s not you, just keep trying.” Over the course of 17 years I was either passed over or denied promotions at other accounts no less than nine times. Even though my yearly reviews were stellar, and I completed every training program meant for up and coming employees headed for a management position with very high marks, I kept being passed over. You can only hear, “Really, its not you.” So many times before you begin to think, “Yeah right, tell me another one.” Slowly but surely, my feelings of not being enough and not understanding why began to creep back into my life. It was during this time my ex wife died from breast cancer and my two children moved into my parent’s home to live with us. Thankfully, I had already grown emotionally because of the counseling and help and recovery I had received through Al-anon or things would have been much worse.

About 4 and a half years ago, I read an online article about the instances of homosexuality and bisexuality among people with Attention Deficit Disorder, and my eyes were once again opened to my same sex attraction. I have written in great detail of my spiritual struggles regarding this time in a previous blog post. Suffice it to say, it was a huge step backwards in my ongoing struggle of feeling less than. Eventually, with God’s help, I was once again able to crawl out of self doubt and pity until, in my own eyes I no longer felt less than. More importantly I learned God didn’t view me that way either.

It would be wonderful if this were the end of the story. Truth be told, for the most part, on any given day, I no longer feel less than. I do, however, feel different than the rest of the world. It doesn’t matter whether that world is single or partnered, straight or queer, religious or secular, or where the other person’s political views lie, I just don’t feel like I totally fit in anywhere

I had hoped, now that I live mostly out, that I would finally lose the feelings of not fitting in. I do feel loved and accepted by all the new friends I have made in the local gay men’s group I am a member of, a fact for which I am very grateful. That said, I still feel like I am outside looking in. To be honest, it takes everything I have not to scream at the top of my lungs, “What about me?! Why can’t I be part of your group?”

The fact of the matter is bisexuality is inherently “Other,” given the non-binary nature of it, to begin with. I am glad beyond words the queer community is banding together for our trans brothers and sisters, but it feels like bisexuals without the plus next to them have just been stepped over. Its bad enough to be bisexual, but being male and bisexual brings another entire layer of invisibility to things. I believe the major factor causing the general feelings of “Less Than” in the bisexual community is that most of us are hiding in plain sight. It’s a numbers game really. Given such a small percentage of the world population is queer, there is a far better chance to meet and fall in love with a person of the opposite sex than there is of the same sex. Additionally, for me at least, there is one more layer to this feeling of less than, and it is that I am not only single but I am also divorced.  You would think that shouldn’t be a big issue, but it is. By choice, I am very picky about who I will date. After one failed relationship, and all of the work it took to dig myself out of the ashes, I have no earthly desire to walk that road again. I would rather be single the rest of my life than live through a second bad relationship. 

Being in my early 50s now, most people in my age range, queer or straight, are already in long term relationships. Many of those who were in long term relationships that have ended in divorce, or what would have been divorce had they been able to be married, are as I once was, emotionally handicapped because they don’t realize they don’t need help in the first place and because of this haven’t worked through their issues. This means the dating pool is very narrow at best, so I should have been really excited when I discovered my bisexuality because it would greatly increase my chances to find someone. Well, I thought so too, but we were both wrong.

The group of emotionally stable, straight single women gets even smaller once they find out you are bisexual, because even if they say they are ok with it they never really are. Everything will be great for a little while and all of a sudden, I’m ghosted again. So I thought well let’s try a dating site that caters to bisexuals. The bisexual women on these sites all seem to be interested only in other women. The bisexual men on the site all seem to be married and looking for someone willing to be their side piece so they can stay married to their wife and get their same sex attraction itch scratched at the same time. Which is frankly a dumpster fire waiting to happen, so that only leaves gay men.

Ok, so there still shouldn’t be a problem then, right? One  again would think, but I found out differently. If you are out and bisexual, you have no doubt experienced your fair share of phobia and erasure from the queer community. Which, isn’t too big of a problem providing you are only looking for a hook up. Gay men, as a general rule, tend not to care too much who they sleep with. However, things change drastically when it comes to finding a life partner. Then you turn into one of those un-dateable bisexuals, who can’t be trusted not to cheat, or who hasn’t dealt with the fact they are really gay and can’t admit it yet.

When it comes down to it, all of the above is just how dating works. Thankfully, I have learned how to deal with life’s struggles in a healthy way, but that doesn’t make it any easier though. Which makes me long for a best friend. Someone who understands what I am going through and will say, “Well Fuck them and the horse they rode in on!” Just so I wouldn’t feel so alone. Friends like that are rare, and I’ve only had one in my life and he died many years ago.

So, in the end, it looks like we have only managed to circle back to where we started from. Feeling, if not less than, at least feeling different and alone and separated from the rest of the world. The important lessons I have learned are that problems will always be around, so you had better figure out how to deal with them in a healthy way. After which, you just have to keep living your life taking it one day at a time trusting God has your back, and knowing you are at the exact point in your life that He wants you to be in and that is the best that any of us can hope for. Will I ever be enough, or is this as close as I will ever be?

Hate & Biphobia Hurt Most When They Come From Inside The LGBTQ+ Community

Please read the PinkNews article in the link below. (Prepare yourself to be angry.)

https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/04/01/j-k-rowling-confirm-harry-potter-bisexual-spin-off/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Buffer&utm_campaign=PN&fbclid=IwAR2eLxtx4WLaDdKMKhFidtK_cQe1N73MphI_IRywwytICG3BSrU5CPywi9w

I had completely forgotten it was April Fools Day today.  So imagine my shock this afternoon when I clicked on the above PinkNews link while scrolling through FaceBook. I read in disbelief, with mouth agape. I just couldn’t believe one of my heroes, and a huge supporter of LGBTQ+ rights would do such a hateful thing. I had not seen the word “FUN” in the upper left hand corner of the article, nor did I catch the fact that the release date was “February 30^th.” So I decided to see what others were saying in the comment section of the post. That is when I realized I had been duped.

My relief that this was a spoof was immediately replaced by anger when I realized PinkNews was poking fun at Bisexuals and rubbing our noses in it to boot. This prank goes well beyond poor taste. Pure and simple it is nothing short of Biphobia, and dare I say hate, wrapped up to look like fun and games. Worst of all, PinkNews has reported on Bierasure and Biphobia and its harmful effects on the Bisexual community in the past, and is presumably run by members of the LGBTQ+ community who know just how it feels to be the target of other’s hate. Furthermore, the staff of PinkNews should be well aware of what hate speech looks and sounds like. This then begs the question, “Why would this LGBTQ+ friendly news organization choose to run this story at all?” I don’t believe for one second the editors at PinkNews didn’t realize what they were about to print wasn’t hate, and neither should you.

What troubles me the most about all of this, is not their total disregard for Bisexuals and their feelings, but the fact that they found it funny! Its bad enough they should have known better, but to do it anyway and then laugh at our expense, is horrifying to me. As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, they didn’t stop there. The author of this so called spoof went on to say that in J K Rolling’s newest book the newly outted Bisexual Harry Potter would have an affair with his best friend Ron Wesley. In for a penny, in for a pound they must have said, as they chose to show Bisexuals as untrustworthy people who cheat on their spouses. For those of you who don’t know, in the last book Harry Potter marries Ron’s younger sister Ginny, and Ron is married to Hermione. Both couples have children and are presumed to be happily married.  

In the end, this feels like being stabbed by your sibling, who stands over you laughing while you slowly bleed to death. I am definitely going to need some time to get over this.

How I Can Still Be A Christian Even Though I am Bisexual - Is There A Need To Reconcile My Beliefs With My Religion?

First of all, it will be helpful if you have a little background on me. I was born in the Midwest to two Lutheran school teachers in the mid sixties. I was baptized at ten days old in a Lutheran Church Missouri Synod congregation, attended Lutheran schools, was Confirmed in the Eighth grade, and eventually graduated from a Lutheran High School. Because my parents worked for the church, they where often friends with the Pastor and his family, as well as other teachers from their school and schools from other congregations in town. All of these people had attended Lutheran Colleges, and therefore were synodicly trained. It was not an uncommon occurrence to have any number of these people in our home discussing theological matters in my presence on a regular basis. 

Furthermore, we attended church every Sunday no matter what! As soon as I was old enough to understand what was going on, I was expected to listen to the sermon and be part of the discussion regarding it at the dinner table as we ate. By the time I was a freshman at the local Lutheran High School I was required to take an entire year of Old Testament Studies, then an entire year of New Testament Studies as a sophomore. As a junior and senior I often had multiple religion classes a day. One semester during my senior year I actually had four religion classes a day on my schedule. At the time, I found it to be a real drag, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. Looking back, I have realized being made to take all those classes opened my mind to religion itself and it gave me the ability to think critically about it. 

While still in High School I had already come to the conclusion the reason there were so many different denominations was because God wanted to cast a wide net in order to have as many followers as possible. Because everyone has different life experiences it will take different things to help each of them believe. Some people need the structure and strict rules and want to be told exactly what to think and believe. Others need a somewhat looser set of guidelines. Yet in the end, whether you need to genuflect and pray to Saints like Catholics, speak in tongues like Pentecostals, or anything in between, as long as you believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins that is all that really matters. Who knows I might be surprised when I get to heaven and find Muslims and Buddhists there too. (As you may have guessed, this doesn’t win me any points with my parents when I bring it up.) To this day I still enjoy having deep theological discussions, and often do.

I gave you all of this information so you understand that while I am certainly no better than any other Christian, my life experiences have given me a greater understanding of religion as a whole more so than the average person. When the vale of my denial broke regarding my same sex attractions, and I finally realized I was a card carrying Bisexual, it devastated me. All of my life I had been taught that homosexuality was a sin abhorred by God and punishable by death. That meant I got myself a one-way ticket to Hell without passing GO or collecting $200.00! So entered crippling internalized homophobia into my life.

To say I struggled with my life long Christian beliefs would be an epic understatement. To give you some insight I am inserting an excerpt from an earlier blog post I wrote titled, “My Journey.”

 A light bulb lit up in my brain. It was as if someone had yelled Eureka! Then a wave of embarrassment washed over me. How in the world could I have been bisexual my entire life and not figured it out until I was 48 years old? I can’t be that stupid can I? I knew in my heart of hearts it was true. It was like all of the pieces of my life had just fallen into place at the same time. I began experiencing a flood of emotions, some were good and some bad, but the over all feeling I had was I was no longer conflicted and that feeling brought me peace.

That peace didn’t last long, however. Now I was dealing with great shame because I knew God was abhorred by me and my homosexual tendencies, the Bible even said so. I didn’t get much sleep the next two nights. The following Wednesday, I went to my church’s Ash Wednesday service in the evening. I walked into the church filled with self loathing and feeling wretched, broken, dirty, unforgivable, scared, but most of all completely and totally separated from God.  I have never felt more alone in my life.

I don’t know what the pastor said that night because I was in the pew praying for God to take the bisexuality from me. I hadn’t asked to be bisexual, and I certainly didn’t want to be if it kept me separated from God! I sat silently, tears streaming down my cheeks, praying, no begging, God for help. PLEASE LORD, take this sinfulness from me! When it was time for communion I shuffled up to the railing at the altar. I must have been in shock at this point because I don’t remember any of it. For those of you that don’t know, Christians celebrate communion to be united with each other and reminded we are sanctified by Christ’s body and blood which washes us clean from sin because, He died on the cross for us.  

When I got back to my seat I had the urge to run full speed, down the aisle and out the door, never to return. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore, and I didn’t want to be where I wasn’t loved. However, God took over in that moment and my entire body was awash with a feeling of complete acceptance, peacefulness, and total calm. God made me understand He still loved me no matter what and the gift of His forgiveness was still mine. He didn’t see my sin; He only saw me. I nearly broke down in tears and fell on the floor with relief. My entire body was spent. I felt like I had run a marathon. I was week in my knees and drained of all my energy.

This happened nearly four years ago. As I said before, I was still filled with crippling internal homophobia at the time. Just as Martin Luther had done, I too began to search scriptures for answers. Not only that, I emailed with friends from High School who were now Lutheran Pastors. I read anything I could find regarding the subject online. My goal was to get as much information as I could from both sides of the argument and then make an informed decision for myself.  

Another thing you need to know about me is that for many years now, I have chosen not to be concerned with what other people think of me. I even made a list to help remind myself not to let other’s opinions influence me. The people whose opinions I will allow to influence me and the order in which they effect me are as follows: 1. God 2. Me 3. My boss for obvious reasons. 4. My Family and close friends, however, I only allow them to share own opinions with me, because they are family. After which, I still run them through the filter of how God and I feel about it. I no longer just blindly follow them, in order to keep the peace 5. Everyone else, these people have absolutely no currency with me when it comes to how I live my live. Nor do I care at all what they think about the choices I have made.

My struggle was still weighing very heavy on me because the two people in my life whose opinions mattered most to me, God and Me, and what ever He and I came up with would shape who and what I was to become now that I was without a doubt Bisexual. The only thing I knew to do was keep digging for answers, so that is what I did. The journey to find acceptance from God and from myself took almost 3 years of hard work and included many conversations with multiple pastors, including both pastors from my own congregation.

It was a huge relief when I came out to my Sr Pastor, because I was expecting to be told I was an abomination to God, and I would then be asked to leave the church. I found out my fears were very wrong. In the end, my Pastor was far more understanding and accepting than my parents. He agreed with me that my Bisexuality was most definitely not a choice. He said it was part of my soul. He still believes the Bible teaches against homosexual acts and that I need to try to live a God pleasing life. This is not too different from the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod’s formal written statement on Sexuality in the Church says pastors who are counseling their LGBTQ+ members. It says, not to acknowledge or discuss whether or not same sex attraction is a choice or something that we were born with, but to instruct as follows: It is not sinful to have same sex attractions. However, it is sinful to act on them. In other words, you are only going to heaven if you deny the person God made you to be.

I told my pastor I took great exception with this statement on many levels. First of all, I was taught that all sin is equal, and therefore any sin would damn you to Hell. It makes no sense for the church to then single out one sin (If it even is a sin in the first place. But I will get to that later.) over all others to the point you won’t be forgiven. That goes against everything Christ taught, which is why He died, to forgive all sin.

My pastor responded by saying that the Lutheran Church is really good at making broad statements about doctrine, but they aren’t so good when it comes to instructing individual members. He then assured me I was in fact not damned to Hell at all.

My second issue with the church’s statement is that I don’t believe if I was created in God’s own Image how then could what He created me to be, be sinful? I never really got an answer to that, even though he tried. What really irked me about the whole thing was, instead of the church trying to deal with the fact that God created Queer people to be perfect in His eyes, they just glossed over the whole issue so they wouldn’t have to admit their reasoning was flawed.

In the end I told both of my pastors I didn’t believe that my Bisexuality was a sin and I had no intention of ignoring my same sex attractions. In his response he said, he had no intentions of being my bedroom police and if I didn’t tell him what was going on he wouldn’t have to know. He also told me that every Christian is on their own path and not all of us are at the same place in our journey, nor are we all traveling at the same speed. I think that was his own way of saying that he understood where I was coming from even though he himself couldn’t totally agree with me. Which, I also never expected to hear coming out of his mouth. I greatly respect both of my pastors. I couldn’t have been more pleased with how things were handled, and I am happy to say I am still welcomed there regularly. 

Additionally, I will also tell you I have had many instances in my life where I truly believe God was guiding me on my path. I have seen Him solve more than one major problem in my life after believing He had left me out in the cold. In hind sight, of having Him resolve one major issue in my life; I am certain had I gotten what I thought He should have given me, it would have been the worst thing that could have ever happened to both me and my children. This leads me to believe if God sees my Bisexuality as either a sin or a choice He could have removed it from me, yet He still hasn’t.

It has been a little over a year since my pastors met with me multiple times as I formulated a plan to come out to my parents, and my adult children, along with my brother and his family. However, I still had this nagging feeling I hadn’t gotten to the bottom of the issue regarding whether or not same sex attraction was a sin in God’ eyes yet, so I kept digging.

In my search I found two things to be very helpful in sorting out this whole mess. The first was coming across a YouTube video called “Kathy Baldock – Untangling The Mess” on The Reformation Project’s YouTube channel. Link below:

https://youtu.be/ziCOOdUW8OA

The Reformation Project in Los Angeles is an organization that is trying change the way Christians view the LGBTQ+ community. Kathy Baldock wrote a book called “Walking the Bridgeless Canyon: Repairing the Breach Between the Church and the LGBT Community” which explains in greater detail why the church incorrectly views homosexuality as a sin, based on many factors including the mistranslation of the Bible. (If you don’t want to read the book, I have supplied the link above to a talk she gave outlining her well researched reasoning. Warning, it is an hour and a half video.)

What will be lost on most Protestants and Non-Lutheran alike is that Martin Luther’s efforts to correct inconsistencies in the Bible because of a mistranslation sparked the protestant reform in the 1500s. Now the Reformation Project in California is attempting to do the same thing regarding the LGBTQ+ community. Unfortunately, no amount of Guttenberg printing presses will be able to make the Reformation Project’s message any louder because of the information overload created by the internet.

I then read a paper recently which was written by Idan Dershowitz, a Jewish Biblical translator/scholar, who discovered in the oldest known biblical text, that the verses in Leviticus: 18 had been changed 100 years after they were written, in a subsequent translation. The original text did not warn against homosexual acts at all, but instead of incestuous ones. If they spoke about incest specifically, yet said nothing about homosexuality it begs the question if it should have ever been considered a sin in the first place. I have been told by a seminarian this is not the first time this mistranslation has been uncovered. It was found sometime back in the 1970 and 80s when the world looked down their noses at the LGBTQ+ community so it never got any traction. (See link below.)https://www.academia.edu/36473338/Pre-print_Revealing_Nakedness_and_Concealing_Homosexual_Intercourse_Legal_and_Lexical_Evolution_in_Leviticus_18

Additionally, it wasn’t until a 1955 translation of the Bible was publish that Sodom and Gomorra was destroyed for homosexual behavior. For the prior 1700 or so years, it had been widely believed the city had been destroyed due to their own inhospitality. This brings us back to Kathy Baldock’s book and how societal and psychiatric/medical beliefs at the time the Bible’s translation have influenced added to the problem.

Until I started questioning my sexual orientation and looking for answers I believed as I had been taught by the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod that the Bible was inspired by God, therefore infallible, regardless of the fact that it had been written by humans. Furthermore, if there were discrepancies God would explain them to us in Heaven. (How convenient.) It is almost embarrassing that I actually believed this schlock for all those years! How can the Lutheran Church say this out of one side of their mouth while preaching that a mistranslation in the Bible by a man which was then exploited by corruption in the Catholic Church and used to sell indulgences was a terrible wrong that needed to be righted? If the Bible was truly inspired by God, and therefore infallible, it should in theory stay that way regardless of translation. Furthermore, the real reason there are so many denominations is due to disagreements on one person’s interpretation of the Bible and its translation over another’s. 

In the end, I am no longer able to blindly believe the Church’s teachings as a whole, especially on the topic of homosexuality. I have found far too much proof to the contrary that makes a case to say otherwise. When you add this on top of the fact that I know with all my heart I was truly born this way as a Child of God, and believe that I have been made in His own image, it makes no sense to me that my same sex attractions would ever be sinful. Therefore, if my same sex attraction is not inherently sinful, neither should it be for me to act on that attraction. Finally, if that is truly the case, then there is nothing to reconcile in the first place.

This finally brings me back to my list of those whose opinions matter to me. As I stated earlier the only two people on the list that hold any true currency with me are me and God, and He has already let me know He loves me just as I am, and it’s all fine with Him.   

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A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing - When Inclusion Is Anything But Inclusive

As some of you may remember, I spoke of my excitement, in an earlier post about partnering with my local LGBTQ+ community center to form a Bi-Pan+ Group.

Several months ago I met with the center’s interim director, who happens to be a MTF trans women, who also identifies as Pansexual. We had a great conversation about all of the possibilities surrounding the new group, and that I had hoped one day would turn into several other services for the Bi Pan+ community.

As with any not-for-profit group, nothing can happen until the governing board meets and approves of anything new happening there. I knew the process was likely to be slow, so I didn’t think anything was wrong when I hadn’t heard any news for a while.

In the mean time my life got a little crazy with starting back to work after a seven month medical leave and interviews, because I am trying to find a new job.  However, the new group was never far from the front of my mind.

One of the suggestions the director had made in our first meeting, was that the group should have a speaker at each meeting to discuss current Bi/Pan+ issues. I told her I would need the center’s help because I was newly out and didn’t have a network in the Bi community that would help me find these speakers. Additionally, I had suggested that I start a social Bi Pan+ Group on Meet Up dot com, that would meet outside of the community center. When I suggested that, the director said, “No, we would like you to still have it here at the center.”

After three months I decided the time had come to follow up with the center’s director, since I had yet to hear back from her. It took her a few days to respond to my email, and when she did, she said that she had been unable to get any buy in from the board for the new group. I thought to myself, “You are the center’s director, and part of the Bi-Pan+ community. You share the pain of being erased, and are in a position to create change in our local LGBTQ+ community, so what the hell?!!!”  (I held my tongue because I have experience with trying to make changes by group vote. In the end, there is only so much that can be done if the group doesn’t want the changes set before them.)

She did suggest we try and do something on September 23rd for Bi Visibility Day, so I figured all was not yet lost. In my reply I said, given that we have less than a month, and zero budget, we could host an Open House at the center. We could serve punch and cookies and hand out fliers with information regarding Bi/Pan+ specific web sites etc, and have people sign up for the new Bi-Pan+ group’s first meeting whose date and time were yet to be determined.

These last emails were sent almost two weeks ago now, and I have yet to hear any more from the director. The ironic thing about this whole issue is part of the community center’s name includes the words, “Center for Inclusion.”

As I said, I don’t totally blame the director because she can’t just totally override the board and say, “We are doing this, and that’s that!” However, I wonder how hard she tried to get this to happen.

I can’t say I am shocked this happened. After all, I have read many articles and blog posts over the last year and a half explaining Bi-phobia and Bi-erasure in the LGBTQ+ community. It just seems a little odd that a group with the word “Inclusion” in it's name would be so unapologetically Bi-phobic. Especially, when the director identifies as a transgendered pansexual.

In the end, I plan to practice what I have preached from day one of this blog, which is, “You don’t have a right to complain about Bi-phobia and erasure, if you aren’t doing anything to counteract these things.” That means, I plan to use Meet Up dot com to start my own social Bi-Pan+ Group. My only regret is the group won’t get started before September 23rd this year. Be that as it may, there will be many Bi Visibility days in the years to come, and we have to start some time.

Be The Change You Want To See In Your Community!

I Couldn't Have Said It Any Better

Please read the article I have linked below, then read my additional comments.

http://biresource.org/dear-christian-family-im-bisexual/

Wow! This is extremely powerful. I couldn't have said it any better. As a life long Christian myself, the one thing I would like to add, is this. If as a Christian, you truly believe that homosexuality in all its forms is a sin that damns all homosexuals to hell then you also need to remember that the Bible says the wages of ALL SIN is death. That means God doesn't pick one sin out that is worse than any other. Everyone has sinned and fallen short of God, and deserves death and separation from Him. Hitting your younger sibling gets you a one way ticket to hell, just as if you had murdered them. Alcoholism and gambling addictions are sins too, according to the Bible, however, most Christians would say, "but those are diseases." 

My point here is, Man, not God, has chosen to make homosexuality an unforgivable sin. I have researched deeply into the subject and believe there are several factors in the act of the translation of the Bible and societal views at the time these translations were made that have shaped modern Christian's views on homosexuality that are simply not true. 

Martin Luther found the same issues true when it came to the translations regarding indulgences. Even the Catholic Church has changed their teaching on them. Luther's findings are now widely accepted by all Christians. Could it be that the same thing has happened when it comes to the translation of the Bible in terms of homosexuality?

Finally, I would ask the same as the author of this wonderful post. Truly listen with a totally open mind and the intent of seeing our side, without immediately shutting down our opinions because you don't want to find out you may not be right. 

I believe the Bible is Living Word, and if you pray for God's discernment on any matter you might actually learn what He really thinks, instead of what you have always been told He thinks. I have done this already and I know that God loves and accepts me just the way I am.

Coming Out At Your New Job, Is It Safe?

As many of you know, I came out to my family on February 13^thof this year and turned 52 in March. Not everyone was totally accepting but it could have been far worse. With time the family members who are having difficulty accepting it will mellow. They still love and accept me as a person and I don’t expect them ever to agree with my life style choices, but it will be nice when they are able to control their distaste for it and no longer show disgust openly and make hurtful remarks.

When I came out to my family I chose to stay closeted at work for many reasons. I have been employed by my current company for 17 years and have been with the same work group for 11 of those 17 years. Of the 35+ people in my current work group there are at least 6 LGBTQ employees, not including me. Some are open about being LGBTQ and others aren’t. As one would expect with today’s corporate climate of anti harassment, there aren’t any real issues.

However, I still chose to keep my sexuality to myself. I don’t want to have to continuously explain myself and my bisexuality to people who more than likely will be genuinely interested and anything hurtful they might say would be unintentional and born out of true ignorance. 

The second issue is my job is very visible to the entire company because I am the point of contact for any issues with my department so most of the 800 plus people at my company know who I am, or have at least heard about me. This means once it is known that I am bisexual the news will spread like wild fire, which will amplify the first issue exponentially. 

Its not that I am uncomfortable with myself or my bisexuality. Its actually quite the opposite. I want to educate people about bisexuality in an effort to eliminate bi-erasure and biphobia because I feel it is very important I do so. My only concern is that because of the visibility of my position in the company I fear I will be inundated with interest and questions. If, like me, you read everything you could get your hands on when you realized you were bisexual, you will have read time and time again that many people are just tired of having to “come out” to everyone they meet on a daily basis, and it can get tiring having to do so.

I had said, if I ever got another job I would start by being “Out” from day one. I really do want to be proactive when it comes to Bi-visibility and I figure it will be easier to do so in smaller doses. This seemed like a great idea at the time, however, things may be changing quickly in my life and it has caused my anxiety to rear it’s ugly head again.

I have been looking for another job for a few years now without much luck for many reasons out of my control. Last week, however, I interviewed for the job of my dreams and was told they will be calling me this week to schedule as second interview with senior management. At this point things are looking very good. While I have yet to be extended an offer, it is likely one will be forthcoming. So that means its time to put my money where my mouth is regarding being out at work, and I would be lying if I said I was anything but scared.

The job would be with a brand new company, in a totally different industry than I currently work. I didn’t find this job through networking so I know no one that could give me the 411 on how the company views LGBTQ workers. Furthermore, from everything I have read previously, being out as gay or lesbian at work is met with far more acceptance than being out as bisexual. The horror stories I have read say that being out as a bisexual at work could mean that your upward mobility is often slowed, if not stopped all together. I have also read articles of employees being openly harassed for their sexuality and management allowing it, just like the stories you heard back in the 70s and 80s about being openly gay and lesbian at work and being fired for it.

I have been under employed for almost 20 years now. This new job will be a God send, if I am able to get it. The salary is exponentially larger than my current salary, and I will actually be able to retire some day. I will also be able to provide for my disabled adult child after I am gone. Both of these things were not possible in my current job. So you can see why I am a bit apprehensive about doing anything to jeopardize my situation.

I have determined my best course of action will be to proceed with caution, holding off on being the “Biggest and Best Bisexual Activist” I can be until I am certain it is safe for me to do so.  In the end, when deciding if coming out is something you should do, it is always best to do a risk assessment with safety being your utmost concern. Safety can mean different things for different people. There are also many factors one should take into consideration; do the people you plan to come out to have control over your basic needs, such as food and housing? Will coming out put you at risk for emotional or physical harm? Will your current relationship change drastically or possibly end if you come out? Or as in my case, will being out at work have financial repercussions for me and my loved ones? 

A very wise gay friend of mine told me to make extremely certain I was ready to come out, “because once you say it, you can’t ever take it back.” It was his way of telling me to weigh my options and make certain I fully understood the very real risk involved before I actually pulled the trigger and said the words, “I am Bisexual.”

Because of this I did as he suggested. By the time I was ready to come out to my Pastor, I knew there was a very real possibility I may be asked to leave the church home I loved dearly. I also realized if they didn’t want me as a bisexual then it was no longer the church I needed to be a member of. It would hurt but I was ready if it did indeed happen. By the time I was ready to tell my family, and more importantly my parents, that I was bisexual, I knew they may no longer accept and love me for who I really was and that I was ready to remove myself from their lives if need be. That would have been truly heartbreaking but I was ready to do it.

With all that said, I am not ready to risk the financial well being of myself and my family until I am certain there will be absolutely no negative repercussions. While it will be sad not be to able to fight bi-visibility and bi-phobia on a larger scale, it will certainly be the safest thing for me to do. 

Did Attending My First Pride Out Me At Work

When I came out to my family in February of this year, it was my intent to stay closeted at work, so to speak. The main reason was because I have worked at my current location for over ten years and I have a very high profile job. Many people know who I am, even if I have yet to meet them, they call me by name. Truthfully, I didn’t want to deal with the flood of questions that would most certainly come, in addition to dealing with no longer being as accepted by people that had once liked me. I realize I wasn’t practicing what I preached on my blog, and take full responsibility for not being open about my bisexuality so that my openness will create visibility and acceptance for bisexuals the world over. I am, however, human.

My plan was not to purposefully go out of the way to come out at work, but if it happened organically I wasn’t going to stop it. I am also not so stupid to think that running in LGBTQ circles now that I would never accidently bump into someone from work. I work for a large company with many very out and proud people, in addition to people who don’t shout it from the roof tops, but they aren’t hiding it either.

As Pride rolled around this year I began to get excited. I wanted to go very badly, but I didn’t want to go alone. Many of my gay friends who would have willing allowed me to go with them weren’t able to attend this year. I had a few offers from people of the Bear group I belong to but they were all from men/couples I haven’t met before and that would be awkward at best.

Then surprisingly my son comes to me and says, his friend, who is trans, had invited him to go to Pride and could he go. It was his friend’s first Pride also and they didn’t want to go alone either. I said, I didn’t care and asked him to tell them about me and that it was also my first Pride, and would it be ok if I went along. I would even drive. Everyone was agreeable so we hopped into my SUV on Sunday afternoon and went.

To be honest, after all of the things I have read and been hearing, I thought I would be met with a Pride that was very gay centric with no Bi visibility or representation at all. I was very wrong and pleasantly surprised! Every booth had bisexual gear of many different varieties for sale. Flags, T-shirts, hats, pins, and more.

Even more to my surprise, I also saw attendees wearing bisexual flags, shirts, hats and pins too! I couldn’t believe it. It was so different from what I had been lead to believe would happen.  The one thing that didn’t catch me by surprise was that I saw no men wearing anything that would label themselves as being bisexual, and that made me sad. I would have, but I was newly out and didn’t have anything like that yet.

Then it happened, not fifteen minutes after I arrived, I saw a gay man I work with. He was sitting behind a table that looked like it was supposed to be there for a group who had come to market themselves, but there wasn’t any sign and no pamphlets to be handed out. When our eyes met his got wide as a pie plate. In order to take control of the situation, I said, “Hey, how are you? This is my son and his friend.” He must have still been in shock from seeing me there that he didn’t say anything in response.

I wanted very badly to know what he was thinking and if my plans to stay closeted at work were now a memory. I then told myself I knew this was likely going to happen and it may happen again before I left. Plus I must have subconsciously decided to come in hopes that I would no longer have to hide at work.

I had been on medial leave for several months before this and had been released for work two weeks after Pride. The whole time I was walking around, I wondered who long it would take for the news that I had been seen at Pride to circulate around the company. After all, I was presumed by everyone I worked with to be straight and this would be big news. There wasn’t a thing I could do to stop it now so I had better work at accepting that I was no longer straight at work. I even started to have a dream that everyone was standing around me when I walked into work that first day, and they all wanted to know if I was gay.

Well, the actual day came that I was to go back to work. The second person I saw when I walked in the door was the same gay man who I had seen at Pride. Oddly, he got this weird look on his face that was a combination of fear and uncertainty, like he knew this terrible secret about me and it caused him actual pain because he knew it. I acted like nothing was wrong, because indeed nothing was. It truly didn’t matter to me any more. I suppose it was mean of me not to qualify why I was at Pride and what my sexual identity was when I bumped into him.  To be honest, it isn’t any of his business. It was then that I knew there was a great likelihood he had told no one he saw me there.

I chose not to say any more to him about it because I don’t need to justify myself or my family members to anyone. (By the way, my son is straight.) Doing so, might also make it look like I have something to hide, which I do not. If he, or anyone else asks me why I went to Pride I will say that I took my son and his friend, and will answer any follow up questions truthfully. However, I don’t plan to offer any extra information either. Which means I can use bi-invisibility and the fact that I have always been straight passing to my benefit. I might get asked if I am gay, but I would be shocked if anyone asked me if I am bisexual. 

It has been a whole week since my first day back and no one has said a word to me. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t just a bit relieved about it. When it came to my family not knowing it felt like I was living a lie. Now that they know, I no longer feel like I am being held down by the weight of this huge secret. I have always been someone who shares a great deal of my life with the people I work with, but that doesn’t mean I tell everyone I meet everything about me.

I am currently looking for a new job and have decided when I get one I am going to be open about who I am from day one. I have no plans on introducing myself by saying, “My name is Tim. Nice to meet you, and by the way, I am a bisexual male.”  I will, however, toss bits and pieces into conversations that will hint at the fact  I like men as well as women.

In the end, I still may have been outed at work, and no one has had the courage to ask me about it yet. If they do, its totally fine with me. The only thing left for me to do is to remember not to act like a “Bulldozer Bisexual,” and bite their head off when they ask me about it. I am still the face of bisexuality them and in an effort to represent our community in a positive light I need to be on my best behavior.

By the way, the coolest thing I saw during my first Pride celebration was when I looked down. The street was covered in glitter, how cool is that?!