Secondly, and even more importantly, I discovered a term and it’s definition, for why male bisexuals are even more scarce than hen’s teeth. I mean, I know why but now I have a fancy $17.00 word to toss around that describes it eloquently, in stead of using several paragraphs. That word is:
Phallocentrism- a doctrine or belief centered on the phallus, especially a belief in the superiority of the male sex.
This one word, combined with many an ignorant man who possesses a less than secure image of himself, and a dash of internalize homophobia is the main contributing factor in the lack of out bisexual men, and the number of closeted bisexual men not willing to make themselves know on surveys.
The term was created in 1927, but I fear the actual belief system, which is now so aptly named, has been around since before the time of recorded history. This belief is so widely held that society and even parents begin begin grooming their male children almost from birth. All one needs for proof is to look at the gifts given to parents for their new baby boy. Sports gear, trucks, trains, tractors, war hero action figures, and matching outfits with similar male themes. You will never see dolls, tea sets, princess outfits, or play cookware sets, and most certainly nothing pink!
As male infants become toddlers they begin to hear things like, “Boys don’t cry.” “How’s Daddy’s little man?” and “Don’t hit girls.” They begin to watch cartoons where male characters are always the heroes who save female characters, or dads going to work to earn a living while women stay home to take care of the kids. When they get to school other boys will tease them by calling names like “sissy,” or “you throw like a girl.” By the time they reach Jr High and High School the names grow up too and become “Fag” and “Cocksucker.”
The term was created in 1927, but I fear the actual belief system, which is now so aptly named, has been around since before the time of recorded history. This belief is so widely held that society and even parents begin begin grooming their male children almost from birth. All one needs for proof is to look at the gifts given to parents for their new baby boy. Sports gear, trucks, trains, tractors, war hero action figures, and matching outfits with similar male themes. You will never see dolls, tea sets, princess outfits, or play cookware sets, and most certainly nothing pink!
As male infants become toddlers they begin to hear things like, “Boys don’t cry.” “How’s Daddy’s little man?” and “Don’t hit girls.” They begin to watch cartoons where male characters are always the heroes who save female characters, or dads going to work to earn a living while women stay home to take care of the kids. When they get to school other boys will tease them by calling names like “sissy,” or “you throw like a girl.” By the time they reach Jr High and High School the names grow up too and become “Fag” and “Cocksucker.”
It is by this time in their young lives that without actually ever being told outright that men are stronger and meant to be in charge, and anything less is feminine and weak, they come to know it all for themselves intuitively. I have heard many LGBTQ males say the first time they were called fag or faggot; they didn’t know exactly what it meant but they knew it wasn’t good and called their maleness into question.
When I was in High School, in the early 80s, I had yet to realize I was bisexual, and the term Gaydar was quickly become part of the modern lexicon. I knew what gaydar was and I thought I had a very good one. What I failed to realize then was the only way someone can be certain someone else was a gay male back then was if they were unable to hide their femininity in any way. I have since learned there are far more gay men in the world who are straight passing, and unless they tell you, you would never know. I have lost count, in the last ten years, of how many times I nearly fell out of my chair when I found out someone was gay and I had had no earthly idea they were.
While I wasn’t overly feminine in High School I wasn’t exactly masculine either. I sang in Choir, I was in the drama club and acted and sang in all the school plays. Not only was I bad at sports, I hated them. Even without a limp wrist or a lisp I was still accused of being less than manly on occasion and it was never a pleasant experience.
In addition to societal conditioning, the 80s brought the HIV and AIDs scare making it even more undesirable to be part of the LGBTQ community. Which didn’t help because gay men already had a bad name. This, however, was nothing new. My parents were shown films in health class that were PSAs of a sort warning against homosexuality, and what would happen if you fell under their spell because gay men were all pedophiles. I have seen some of these myself on YouTube and they are truly repugnant.
So it stands to reason that men about my age and older would haven been brainwashed into thinking that the very last thing on earth you want to be seen as is anything less than society’s view of what a Man’s Man should be. Given that all men have a certain level of internalized homophobia because of these factors they are going to be far less likely to come out as bisexual because it is much easier to hide your same sex attraction and camouflage yourself in a heteronormative marriage.
I was very confused growing up because of my same sex attraction. I figured I was still ok because I wasn’t gay, since I still liked girls. I subconsciously buried my same sex attractions so deeply that I was in complete denial about them until I turned 48.
Yesterday I read an article quoting a study in which bisexual men where only 19% of the LGBTQ community while bisexual women made up 78% of it. I would really like to know what the actual percentage would be if all the bisexual men would stand up to be counted. I would say these figures are fairly accurate given that I saw many bisexual women at my first Pride earlier this month and no openly bisexual men. I was there without any LGBTQ gear on so there may have been some other men there who were hiding amongst their gay male friends and/or partners, or with female partners.
In addition to societal conditioning, the 80s brought the HIV and AIDs scare making it even more undesirable to be part of the LGBTQ community. Which didn’t help because gay men already had a bad name. This, however, was nothing new. My parents were shown films in health class that were PSAs of a sort warning against homosexuality, and what would happen if you fell under their spell because gay men were all pedophiles. I have seen some of these myself on YouTube and they are truly repugnant.
So it stands to reason that men about my age and older would haven been brainwashed into thinking that the very last thing on earth you want to be seen as is anything less than society’s view of what a Man’s Man should be. Given that all men have a certain level of internalized homophobia because of these factors they are going to be far less likely to come out as bisexual because it is much easier to hide your same sex attraction and camouflage yourself in a heteronormative marriage.
I was very confused growing up because of my same sex attraction. I figured I was still ok because I wasn’t gay, since I still liked girls. I subconsciously buried my same sex attractions so deeply that I was in complete denial about them until I turned 48.
Yesterday I read an article quoting a study in which bisexual men where only 19% of the LGBTQ community while bisexual women made up 78% of it. I would really like to know what the actual percentage would be if all the bisexual men would stand up to be counted. I would say these figures are fairly accurate given that I saw many bisexual women at my first Pride earlier this month and no openly bisexual men. I was there without any LGBTQ gear on so there may have been some other men there who were hiding amongst their gay male friends and/or partners, or with female partners.
The good thing about this whole epidemic is recent CDC Studies over the last few years have shown huge increases in teens of all genders who openly identify as bisexual. I dream of the day when my grandchildren have children in a world where it won’t be any different to by bisexual than it will be to be straight, and no one will care. Until then we all still need to do our best to be the most visible unicorns and dragons we can be to help that day happen.
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